If I Actually Loved God: Calling Myself Out....

I was that baby that would sit on the floor and quietly play with the same toy for hours. I was that child that would go for 10 mile bike rides by himself. I was that kid, totally content with having no friends, remaining totally introverted. I was that teenager that never asked questions because I was too independent to rely on someone else for an answer. I was that 18-year-old that had life ENTIRELY planned out, I never needed to turn to someone else for advice. That was me, independently lost and broken. 

I describe life to people using a roller coaster analogy. Constant ups and downs. High spots and low spots. Where it seems like the higher you get, the lower you must fall. Well I feel myself falling again... I’ve been on fire for God for the past 6 months. I’ve been happy, and high on life. I’ve smiled more then I ever have, laughed more then I ever have, learned more then I ever have, and I have never felt better. But I am slipping, ever so slowly...

It has worked like this, the “lower” I fall, the more I turn to God. The more I turn to God, the happier and stronger I feel. The happier and stronger I feel, the more I try to continue on without using God. I am THAT ignorant and arrogant man. I am the man that takes everything he can from God (letting him build me up), and then I shove it right back in his face once I reach the top. I am that man who gets on top of the world through God’s strengthening. Only to get there and say, “Screw you God, I don’t need you anymore, I can do this by myself!”

I was that baby, that child, that kid, that teen-- And now I am that man. The pattern, as I look back at my life, is undeniably sickening. It would take an absolute fool not to see that the “highs” came as a result of dependency on God and the “lows” came as a result of independency. I am even acknowledging the fact right now, but seeing is one thing... 

I would use several superlative expressions to describe my life right now: I have MORE on my plate then I have ever had before. More burdens that I am carrying, more weight on my heart, more areas I need to be focusing on, more friends that need me, more places to be, more plans to make, more plans to try and keep track of, and more work to do to enact my faith then ever before. I won’t list any of the specifics, because this isn’t a competition to see who has more going on. Rather, the point is to acknowledge that I feel MORE weighted down by life than I (personally) have ever before. 

Yet, I take none of it to God. I am going to call myself out: It is ENTIRELY contradictory for me to say my faith in God has never been better when I am not even willing to let him carry my ever increasing burdens. It is ENTIRELY ironic for me to claim that I trust the Lord with all of my heart when I am too independent to ever not do something by myself. 

Here you go, here is vulnerability, I don’t trust God! I don’t entirely trust God! I am ashamed of it, but I cannot deny the truth there. I have not yet learned to trust God with my life, with my future, with my friend’s futures, with my heart, with my friend’s hearts, with my finances, etc. etc. etc.

I am suppose to be the Christian role model, and I am suppose to be writing a book that would guide other Christians in their walk with the Lord; but when life gets overwhelming I turn right back to MYSELF for help. I turn to Anthony Sylvester for answers. I go right back to being the same-old egotistical, arrogant, and ignorant person that I have always been. This is deja-vu. I am getting a stomach drop from this “fall”, and I am scared to death of reaching a low-spot similar to the one I was at before.

You see, this is because it is “too hard” to be a light to this world. It is “too hard” to be there for everyone. It is “too hard” to worry about the wellness of my friends and family. And it is “too hard” to continue on living as a Christian. That is, if I do it myself. My pride almost won’t let me seek out help. My pride, faced with more and more troubles, won’t let me grow dependent. My pride, after all of the smoke is cleared, wants to lift up that trophy and be able to say, “I did it, I did it all ALONE!”

That is the very thing I hate the most, people living to glorify themselves. People living to lift up their own name. People living to make a name for themselves and not for God. I hate myself right now, I really do...... 

What is the shame in admitting that I can’t do it alone? Why does this KILL me so much to admit? Why do I have to keep going down this road over and over again? Why can’t I just have faith in God?

Here are some of the ways I answer those questions:

-Well I don’t want to “bother God” with the little things

-God has other things he needs to worry about, he made me independent for a reason-- so he could focus on other people

-My pride doesn’t keep me from God, it is a result of having God in my life

Anthony, you egotistical ass-hole! Read what Jesus said to people like yourself

“For many will say, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!”’

If I loved God, I would go to sleep tonight without any worries. If I trusted God, I wouldn’t be up until 2:00 every night bathing in my sorrows and wondering how I am going to manage it all. But I don’t love God, at least not enough. And I am awake, letting my mind spin in a million circles. And so how do I get out??

My heart is racing and my hands are quivering because I can’t answer these questions that imbed themselves in my faithless demise. I can feel a battle of good and evil raging inside of me, I can feel the devil inching his way back to having a hold on me. Pride is truly an evil thing............

-I want to be the friend that is unlike one any has had before.

-I want to be the husband that never lets his wife down

-I want to be the brother that a sibling can cherish and look up to

-I want to be the son that never disappoints 

-I want to be a Christ follower whose life stacks up to the gospels

-I want to be slow to anger, and quick to love

-I want to be remembered as a man who was there for everyone, as a man who gave up his life, and as a man who love God. 

I want all of these things which, to me, encompass a full and meaningful life. But I have to go back to square one...

Father, I need you.... Those three words take unbelievable strength for me to say. In those three words alone I find piece. Father, ease my heart. Take away my burdens. Please just hear my prayer... It seems like the more I seek after you, the easier it is to pull away. It seems like the more good I try to do, the more the devil wants to pull me away. He knows me almost as well as you, he knows where I am week. Father, please look after your broken and lost son. Please keep me safe from this hold. I know I will become a target, I know I will have to fight each day if I want to keep seeking after you. This life, it isn’t easy... There is so much to do. There is so much pain, and to be honest I don’t always understand it all. But I understand you, and I want you. And..... I need you. I need you, to work in the hearts of my lost friends. I need you, to help me to protect my heart. I need you, to help answer the yes’s and the no’s. I need you to guide me, to help me remember what it is I am running after. I want to have a better prayer life, I think we should keep in touch even more. I want to have you constantly on my mind, I want to look at the world and see it as you do. Help me to find the balance between trying to do good and trying to “take over” for you. Help me to see that I am put on this earth so that you can work through me, the work is not for me to do alone. Help my young mind to understand that I can move mountains if I trust entirely in you. Help me to be an influence onto others. Help me to demonstrate what it means to have faith in you. Help me to trust you with all of my heart. And God...... Help me to do all of these things, not for me, but for you. Help me to do all of these things, not because of the gain I alone will have, but for the glory that it can bring to you. Help me to remember that it isn’t about me, but that it is about you. I am nothing without you, but you remain everything with or without me. Praying to you alone gives me humility. These intimate moments between Father and Son remind me of your glory, remind me that I am small. I need more of you, I need more of you in my life, I don’t want to ever settle....... I need you Father, even though sometimes I convince myself that I don’t.... 

Father I pray for my friends and loved ones, you know their names without me ever mentioning them. Only you can work in their lives, only you can speak to their hearts, I cannot do it without you. Please help them to see your glory, help them to see you... I love you Father... Through the high’s and the lows, I won’t ever forget you................

A Life Saved on 3/16/2011

Today is March 16, a day that is “dedicated” to remembering one of the most powerful verses of the entire bible: John 3:16.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”

This is probably one of the most repeated and well known passages of scripture. People have literally wrote books on this single verse. I am not going to elaborate it on the verse and its significance. I would do it little justice. I am, however; sitting here touched by a story related to this verse. This story literally happened TODAY.

Being that the date was 3/16, this man decided it would be fitting to make his Facebook Status the John 3:16 verse. At the end of the verse, he wrote something like: “How great is our God?”. Elsewhere on this same day, another person had reached rock bottom. He had reached a point in his life where he felt there was no point in continuing, no point in living. He had problems with his relationship, problems with his family, and problems with his job. It was the makings of another sob story where life got the best of one person, and they decide their life is not worth living. He gets on his computer, to make a Facebook status of his own-- saying goodbye to the world. When he gets on one of the first things he see’s is his friend’s status of the John 3:16 verse. At that moment his heart sunk, he lost his breath and he could not go through with the act. He started crying and immediately realized what it was he was missing, the one thing that could make his life whole again: God. 

I can only imagine what it would feel like to be the friend receiving this phone call, “Dude, you literally saved my life!” That is exactly what he said, reduced to tears explaining the situation. He accepted Christ into his life in that moment on the phone. He accepted Christ into his life TODAY, he his alive still TODAY because of this man’s status. And now I can only stand in awe saying for myself-- how great is our God?

This brings up two topics of great significance to me. One of which being Facebook. It is the most captivating and consuming “thing” in the world. People literally spend millions of hours on it a day. It has a movie explaining its very creation. It is HUGE. And I hate it, I hate Facebook! Ask anyone, I always have... But before any of you Facebook lovers get offended, hear me out. Only recently did I finally realize why it is I hate FB so much: it gives people a means of which to seek out attention and approval from other people. What is the problem with that? Nothing really, I just have always believed that I should only be living for the approval of God, who cares what other’s think. 

Don’t get me wrong, FB can be fun. I love some of the comments and status’s I see. They are hilarious. I love staying in touch with friends and family, and I get why it is so popular and addicting. But living for the approval of other people just has never sat well with me, and I believe some people get too caught up in it all... But that is just my take. There is an added dimension to this. Often times people like to share their faith on FB. Particularly by putting status updates with bible versus or comments on how great God is. There is such a fine line to be drawn here, and I feel by even mentioning anything that I am already treading in deep water. But here goes...

Sharing your faith with the world is great. If you love God to the point where you want to scream it on a mountain and tell the world, than awesome! And FB offers people an easy way to go about this. But my problem comes when it is done for the wrong reasons. When people put things about Jesus/God on their FB page in order to make themselves look better. When people post things about their faith in order to glorify themselves-- in order to come across as better, like their life is figured out, etc.. 

I have struggled with this. I blog and put my posts straight onto the “notes” section of my FB. For the longest time I didn’t want to do this because I didn’t want to come across in the wrong way. I didn’t want to come across as a person that has life figured out, that has a perfect faith, and that is better than everyone else because I am seeking after Jesus. I used to blog and never even publish any of it, because I only wanted God to see the strides I was making. I only wanted the approval of my Father in heaven. I share my thoughts on God with others so that they can see that I am just as broken as the next person. I share my life so that others can see that they aren’t alone in their struggles. I share my sins, my flaws, my low moments, my high moments, and the places God is working in my life for one reason only: So that others may see the goodness of God. So that others can see the good that he can bring into their lives. So that God can get all of the glory he deserves. 

Our God is great, he loves his children SO much. He sent his one and only son to die for each and every one of us. He gives us more grace than we ever deserve. I am a broken, sinful, hateful, and lost person. I am nothing without my faith in God. And I want people to see that, I want people to see me being vulnerable. I want them to see the ugly in my life because I want people to see God in my life as well. I finally started using FB to talk about God because it truly is a good tool for proclaiming His goodness...

BUT... I still hate when FB becomes a tool that is used to show the world your greatness, particularly because of your faith. I hate it when people seek the attention of others so much that they can’t go an hour without getting on the social network. And I hate it when people try to pretend that they have a perfect faith in Christ, when people us FB as a means to manipulate people’s perceptions of their life. We pick only the best pictures, and (both figuratively and literally) photoshop the ugly out of our lives. We can be whoever we want on FB, and that is scary... It is scary because it opens the door for deception, it lets us pretend to be who we aren’t. 

Some brave person proclaiming God’s greatness, by means of FB, literally saved a person’s life today. Hearing this story has strengthened my support for FB. Hearing this story has made me believe that I am right in sharing God with other people by means of FB. And I encourage anyone else to do the same, but please.... Make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Do it to glorify and lift up the image of God, not for yourself. 

The second topic of significance has to do with the impact that sharing the name of God can have. This story is a perfect example of that. We all hate, or would hate, having to wonder what we could have done differently to support a friend in utter need. You never know the ways in which God could use you to help out a friend. You never know the ways in which God can use your faith to reach a lost soul. You just never know... There is so much strength behind the name of Christ, we should all be courageous and fearless in our proclamation of God’s greatness. Whether that is with FB or not. We should never hesitate to lift of the word of God. You never know when there is someone out there that is at the lowest of lows. You never know when there is someone that needs, more than anything, to hear the name of Christ. You never know when someone can finally realize what it is they have been missing. You never know how God may use you...........