One hard day, then a hard week. One rough month, then a tough summer. Am I describing my life this summer or my relationship? Why not both... Its not a stretch to say that one started having implementations on the other. But surely every person, and every couple deals with it. We had been there before...
“We were just fighting a lot...”
You would have to know the two of us to understand that “fighting” never (or very rarely) meant raised voiced, or harsh words. But an unspoken parallel of clashing emotions, little instances that pulled us apart inch by inch. But where most couples could underline these “instances” as being silly and stupid, this only applied to us half of the time. Something deeper was surfacing, ever so slowly. Something that at the time I could blow off and ignore, something that at the time felt like it would pass... After all we were going to be together forever, nothing (especially these “silly” things) could stop us...
The distance grew, we both literally started seeing less of each other and figuratively grew apart. Yet once again, in my eyes anyway, a red flag never went up. As I describe it to you now I focus only on the bad, it is important though to realize that all this was mixed into a summer and year of some amazing times together. Some fun nights making dinner, some fun days going out to eat, some fun days watching movies, some fun days going shopping, some fun days spent with the sisters, some fun days with the dog, and some fun days doing absolutely nothing... It is this mixture of good and bad that made that red flag even harder to see. I don’t think ANYONE recognized problems, at least not early on.
A few good days, and bad days later (towards the end of summer), and we finally came to terms. We sat down one night and mutually decided to talk things out... That’s all it felt like we needed, just some time to put our hectic lives aside, to forgive each other, and a chance to talk together and sort things out...
Imagine for a second, a “cute” fight between a couple. Hard to imagine I know, but that’s what it started out as. We chose a night after a Rockies Game to talk things out, we chose a night where we were getting along PERFECTLY, we chose to talk cuddled up to a movie. We spoke in our soft loving voices to each other and outlined (yes outlined) all of the issues we needed to discuss. Outlining everything, during such a cute and cuddly moment, almost made the discussion seem so pointless. As we started mentioning discussion topics (discussion at this point, not fighting) I kept thinking to myself that the night couldn’t get better, that in that moment everything was perfect and these “problems” seemed so minuscule. “Why was I worked up over that? Look at her, look at us, why I was upset for even a second over this stuff?”
We started switching off, listing off things to talk about: Communication, church, Africa, etc... And then we jumped in. We didn’t even make it through the Communication issue when suddenly a switch was flipped.
The underlying problem of our relationship suddenly came out, it was a huge realization for both of us. The words came out of our mouths in just the right order, as if God led our conversation so that we would finally realize this underlying flaw. Pin-pointing our problems in that instance made the separation, at least for me, grow from inches to miles. I only remember where I started the conversation, and where I ended it (physically). I started out holding her so closely that there wasn’t even room for air. And I remember finishing sitting on my knees, facing the wall, three feet away from her, and bent over with my head between my legs.
How could a night such as this, escalate into a meltdown? How cold two people with a seemingly “perfect” relationship grow apart in a matter of minutes? It is mind boggling to me If i think about it this way: After 1,283,040 (give or take a few) minutes of growing together as a couple, we fell apart in a matter of 2 or 3. All the thousands of memories suddenly suppressed and forgotten, replaced with just this one.
To answer those questions, as to how it could have happened, I would use one word (a name rather): God.
You see, looking back at that night, when I looked into her eyes I didn’t see my girl. I saw something inside of her, almost take control and force her to say the things she never could on her own (likewise with me). I described it to my friends as a switch going off. Her voice changed, her look changed, everything... Just a switch. And here is the kicker, I didn’t cry once that night, I didn’t even lose an hour of sleep! Something had gotten into me as well...
I remember word for word what we said, but I can’t believe we said any of it. I remember mutually deciding to take a break, but I can’t believe I didn’t even fight for her! Because this blog isn’t suppose to be about the tragic end a love story, I am not going to go into what was said... For the sake of focusing on what matters the most, that will go unmentioned. But what does matter here, THE one thing, is that I can honestly say looking back at the night that God separated us... It was the only way. Only God could break my love and commitment to her on that night, it took his strength and his will to break my love for her. Were I in control, it would have been a cute and harmless “fight”. Were I in control, this night wouldn’t have happened, were I in control, her and I would still be happily together (still running from an inevitable truth, however).
~But that’s just it... I am not in control. I serve a God that is omniscient, timeless and spaceless. He is in control, he has OUR best interest in mind, he knows and see’s what we don’t...
I can’t really define this night as a breaking point, remember I didn’t even shed so much as a tear... Nothing in my life had even begun to hit me. But what hits me now (not necessarily then), is the fact that God came into my life right then and there.... He took the wheel, this was his first response to a crumbling man’s only prayer:
“God, break me! God make the necessary changes in my life that I am too prideful to do myself. Shatter me, I know I will hate you for it at first. But I am empty. I refuse to hear you, I refuse to listen for your guidance, so do to me WHATEVER it takes!”
At the time, and two months ago when I posted my first blog, I had no idea that this prayer’s implications would mean God separating me from the love of my life. But he had a plan..........................................................
