I am a prideful person. Pride is what separates me from God... I come across overly confident (maybe even cocky), I don’t ask for help, and I rarely will ask a question. I have all the answers, there isn’t a problem I can’t solve, I control my own fait, and only weak and dependent people should call on God in their livese. These bold thoughts and false hopes only begin to describe the security I wrongly wrap myself around. The funny thing about this is one night you start to lose sleep because this cloud begins to block God’s light to the point where the room becomes nothing but a hot, dark, and lonely place. It is a vicious circle, even when (on nights like these) I start to realize how ignorant I am being it is that same pride which once again keeps me from falling to me knees in front of God. Pride...... It’s what separates me from God.
I pray at night for my friends and my family, but never for God’s guidance. I don’t need it! Recently I have merely started to pray that some day God will break me. The Bible certainly is consistent in the theme of God’s hatred for pride. And I dread the day when God finally does break me because the Bible is evidence enough that he will do it. I can’t think of a scarier prayer... “God break me!” Those three syllables cry out to God the words that I am too prideful to say: “God, I need you. God, I don’t know what to do. God, I am so confused. God, what do I do with my relationship? God, how am I going to get through this week? God, to whom shall I turn? What should I do with my life?” But he will never hear those words, at least not from my mouth. He won’t come into my life again because I haven’t asked, I simply can’t humble myself enough to let him in. Pride...... It’s what separates me from God.
Perhaps even scarier than the anticipation of God finally breaking me is this thought- What if he doesn’t? Pride in my life clearly is the work of the Devil. It is Satan giving me this sense of fulfillment and self certainty so that I will never need God in my life. And it’s working! What if I lose this battle of pride? What If God doesn’t break me down? What if I never reach such a low that I am forced to finally bow down to his holiness? If I continue to head down this path I will reach a point of no return, where I reject God and his love entirely. The thought of eternal damnation scares me (as it should scare anyone) in such a way that I shake and tremble down to the core. But even fear won’t push me down to my knees. After all, I am not scared of anything- Not even Hell. Pride.... It’s what separates me from God.
I can’t tell you where I developed so much pride, dignity, and self worth. But what I can tell you is this: It is tearing me apart. Society pushes people, men and women alike, to be self sufficient. Society pushes us to appear on the outside like we have everything figured out, that we have no problems. But if you were to look at my life, from the outside in, you would understand this couldn’t be farther from the truth. The fact is I need God, even when I can’t admit it. I want to quit hiding away my thoughts and pain, I want to quit pretending around my family, girlfriend, and friends that my life (and my faith) is perfect. If I decide to post this it means I’ve taken a small step. I have admitted to myself and to others that I struggle with pride. I have to stop...... Nothing can separate me from God.
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