Saying Goodbye

[Another African entry written on my last night in Moshi, before heading to the airport the next morning]

I feel as if it is my responsibility to now look back at my many experiences-- to reflect on my journey. I ask myself these questions: What have I learned, what have I seen, and how will it all change me? I am usually the first person to make total sense of my life, usually the first person to put words to my emotions, and usually the first person to take experiences and learn from them. But as I begin to clear my head, during each leg of the 3 day return home, I begin to realize only one thing: I am more confused about life now than I ever was before. 

It is ironic, I once knew someone faced with hidden questions and confusion following a life changing journey (probably issues similar to the ones I now am faced with). And I can only admit to a crazy and compelling confusion, now, of my very own. And I will fully admit to and relate to many consuming struggles... It is ironic that my struggles and confusion close a book in my life. I incidentally answered one question, and stumbled upon several more. 

I wish I knew more about God’s plan for the world. I wish that some issues across the globe (not just in Africa) could be changed. I wish learning to freely love God didn’t come at such a cost. I wish freely loving God was something that could come about simply by admiring all of His good nature. I wish we didn’t have to see what godlessness resembled in order to appreciate godliness in the first place. I wish that there wasn’t crime, corruption, greed, sickness, or pain. 

But without any of these things, these issues stemmed from evil, where would a Christian begin to act? If mothers weren’t dying from AIDS, where would all the Orphans be? If poverty didn’t exist, where would the rich distribute their wealth? If wives didn’t lose their husbands, how could we take care of widows? Without evil, how could we ever experience joy at its fullest?

Wow! Take one step back. Am I saying that I find joy in people’s sufferings? It will never be! Admittedly though, there is an incomprehensible satisfaction that comes with easing the burdens of another person. There is certain inexplainable happiness which can come from countering evil with the love of Christ. In that sense, bye reflecting (as best as I can) Jesus’s love onto the world, I have found a level of unmatchable joy. In being close to evils, I have come close to God. 

And though I wish that God would just rid this place of all of its sufferings, I get the point of it all. I get how the evil results of free-will can point a person to God. I get how  a life filled with suffering might point a person towards finding and loving God. I get how this opens up the door for others to partake in self sacrifice-- how someone might experience joy like God intended by making others more important than themselves. In some respects, I get what God is doing. 

This, however; is not a claim to be misunderstood. It is not to say that God wills suffering, or that he controls the bad things that happen to us. It only brings light to one area-- why he would let it continue. As I best understand it God allows suffering, in one way or another, so that we might see God’s light in the world’s darkness. And for me it has worked. I have met some of the most amazing and godly humans, all living in harsh circumstances. And I, personally, have grown to love the Lord even further. This much I have made sense of, but this is the easy part... And I understood this concept before, ever jumping into it first-hand. My understanding comes from the 2 Peter verse: 

 8 But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. 9 The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.

But here is what I don’t understand. I don’t understand what this all means for me. I don’t know where to go from here... 

I was a man with a plan. I was to get married after college, to go to medical school, to become a doctor, and to dedicate my life towards happily serving the world through some organization like Doctor’s Without Borders. Then I realized that I couldn’t handle loving a woman and God at the same time, I realized that (as it applies to my own nature) I could not balance loving both. No big deal, the plan was still going mostly as planned. And then I felt as if God was pushing me towards furthering my education by going to seminary school. So I was going to try and work it out so that I would somehow end up being both a Doctor of Medicine while having a Masters in Divinity. Great plan right? Then I could be an even better missionary doctor. Finally, I found myself inAfrica...

This trip was suppose to strengthen my plan. This trip was suppose to confirm that there was a huge need for doctors in other parts of the world. This trip was suppose to leave me relentlessly perusing my dream-- relentlessly working so that I could live according to plan. And then, in the middle of one beautiful African night, something hits me. A different plan. Only not a plan at all...

What if I came all the way to Africa in order for God to teach me one very simple thing? What if I traveled for 6 days, stayed for 44 nights, and stretched my comfort levels in order for God to teach me that I shouldn’t have a plan? What if I were coming back home “planning” to stop planning entirely? [that is such an awkward sentence]

It is a difficult concept, and against everything we are taught from day one. We are taught to look out for ourselves, to ensure our posterity, and to plan our futures. I can hardly imagine any parents reaction (much less my own) to their child telling them, “Mom, Dad... I don’t think I am going to go to Medical School. I don’t know if I even want to go to school after these next two years. I think I am just going to follow God. I think I am going to put my securities aside so that God may just lead me.”

Hardly what any parent wants to hear, much less anything that I would actually want to do. I often speak of pride, and here it will come up again. Pride is what always has separated me from God. Pride is what constantly pushes me towards having a plan. It is an inability to accept that maybe I won’t turn out to be something recognizable to the world. Pride tells me that I “have” to become something like a doctor. Pride tells me that I have to have a planned future, wealth, a wife, and success. 

And then there I am, one night, realizing that my plans are useless. What is a plan, be it even good in its Christian intentions, if it is thought out by humans? What can anything that I plan actually do to further God’s Kingdom? What good is this life if I am simply living the by my own will-- living by my plans and my rules? Honestly, it is worth nothing. 

This is difficult for me. Because I still would like to just “become a doctor”. I still would like to just “go to seminary school”. And maybe I will... But all of things sentences describe what I want. What about God? What does God want? How does God want to use me to further His Kingdom? How is God going to command His spiritual soldier into a “battle” against evil? How is God going to use me to show others His light?

So many questions, and it is so difficult for me not to go about answering them-- so incredibly troublesome for me to not have a “plan” of attack. But I believe that is why I came on this trip. I came to a place where I would have no choice but to turn to God, and this is what he showed me. Its ironic that it such a distance from home in order for me to learn this. And so often we hear people saying, “I am going to hand my life over to God,” but do we even know what that means? To hand your life over to God means not being comfortable, it means nothing will go as planned. I am done with plans... I am done trying to be in control...

I met a friend on this trip. I can say, with the utmost confidence, that this will be a friend that will never leave me. I know we are going to stay close for the rest of our lives. This friend, though I have only known them for less than two months, knows me better than anyone else ever has-- totally understands me, my strengths, my weaknesses, and  my heart’s desires. I met the Holly Spirit... 

I leave Africa more confused than ever: Questioning my future, questioning the world, and questioning my place in it. But I am going to turn my life over regardless, I am going to come back home tied at the waist with my “best friend”, I am going to hand my life over to God. 

By my own plans I will accomplish little. But by God’s I may accomplish a lot. And by accomplishment I only mean what is seen in the eyes of God, not society. I will be praying for the Spirit to guide me in ever step that I take. This will mean drastic measures, decisions that will not necessarily (I imagine) be accepted well by society, friends, or my family... But what is life if it is not lived entirely for God and by God’s will?

In closing I say a prayer, the words of which are half taken from a song (and I have no idea who sings it), but it is one hundred percent applicable to my feelings and current needs:

The wind is moving, but I am standing still. A life of pages, waiting to be filled. A heart that is hopeful, a head that is full of dreams. But this becoming is harder than it seems. Feels like I’m looking for a reason, roaming through the night to find my place in this world. Not a lot to lean on, I need your light to help me find my place in this world...

Father, let me put my pride aside. Let me hear your voice. Let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Let your will be done in my life as you see it fit, give me the strength to put my desires and pride aside in order to pursuit your Kingdom with complete relentlessness. I love you Aba.