[Another journal entry from Africa, stumbled upon it again now that I am home]
A notification flashes in the middle of the screen: Your computer is now running on reserve battery. I am devastated by this. My Bible and my computer-- the two things that I have kept closer to me this past month than anything else. When I will be able to charge my computer again (literally) only God knows. Still thoughts race through my head, and I panic racing to my computer-- my safe hold, my place to vent, my place to release burdens. My emotions flourish and pump through my veins quicker than blood, as if my “heart’s” purpose was compassion over vitality.
Thirty minutes remaining until my computer powers down, and it feels like my emotional capacity will drain in far less time. I am at a loss for words, I can hardly breathe, and my vision is blurring. I am experiencing the fourth panic attack of my life... How low do I feel? Who races to their computer because they are losing themselves? My pride suffers, admitting that I am being stretched beyond all measures, pushed to a point beyond the capability of an “Anthony Sylvester triumph”. Only a few tears fall, I won’t let myself cry. Though I wish I would break down--crying myself to sleep within the arms of my Father...
I pray very commonly for God to open up doors in my life. I pray for chances to do good. I pray for chances to let God’s will be done in my life. And when the doors finally open, in nights such as these, I become petrified. When I hear a calm whisper from my Father, I shake and tremble. When God calls, I listen... But my first response is to feel inadequate. I lay each night under a net, and the feeling is as such: As if I am trapped and caged in my own inabilities. Trapped in a world so small, reminded that I am human-- imperfect, and hardly capable. Why then would God use me? A toss and turn, anyone watching would deem me psychotic. But how can I get past such discrepancies? How can such a perfect God use an imperfect soul to ever accomplish anything which may further a perfect Kingdom?
Do I tremble out of fear? May it never be! Perhaps from a lack of understanding? Surely I am not scared to carry out the will of God. Surely I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Surely I know that if His will is aligned with my ambitions... Then I could never fall short. Finally I have gained ground with my thoughts... I shake because I lack understanding. I toss and turn, until finally running to my computer, because I cannot wrap my head around something: God’s love that is. I grab my head with both hands, and roll into a ball-- simply because I am moved (and entirely taken back) by the thought of perfection loving imperfection. The emotions are taken a step further when I picture perfection integrating imperfection into a perfect AND loving will. The ultimate push towards my insane panic comes when I try to wrap this irony around my own life. God is using me? God has great plans for me? I feel the Holly Spirit inside of me telling me that such a “calling” surely cannot have human roots...
Do I ALSO become uneasy and beyond restless because of excitment? I can’t imagine an NFL quarterback sleeping the night before the Superbowl. Honestly, I think my excitement beyond compares. Though I admit, I can be excited for the future while still getting butterflies imagining what it will be like. Again, incompetency creeps in-- I feel as if I need to stay awake and SUDDENLY become a better and more capable person. I can’t let God down. I can’t rest until I have completed His work. I must give this my all. I must put distractions aside. I must change my life around. I must turn left where I have always planned on turning right. This will mean a different route, a different life for which I will carry out. My friends and family will hardly be able to accept where I will go. God has changed the directions in which I will journey-- He has opened a door. And when that door opens, finally letting the light creep out from within, I panic suddenly feeling as if I have to become “more of a person”. I feel if I am going to accomplish anything for His sake then I must push myself to even more extremes. I feel that the “Anthony of old” will not be competent to cary out such tasks. I can’t let God down! In such distress I lose myself... But surely God is willing to take us as we are, I must learn to do the same for myself.
I have panicked before. This is a night similar to many of the past. I must remember not too look to far ahead. I must remember to take things day by day. I must remember my limits. I must understand that God both knows and understands that I am only human. I must turn to God for strength... I am thankful for the direction and will that God has laid on my heart. I am thankful for God’s unexplainable love... I don’t have to understand why He loves us. I don’t have to consume my thoughts with questions of inadequacy. In fact, just about the only thing I can do is this: Praise Him for the things which, in fact; will always remain unknown to me...
Thank you God, for loving us when you have no reason. Thank you for using me in the ways that I never thought possible, even though without you I am entirely incapable. Thank you for strengthening me to continue pursuing a life aimed at furthering your Kingdom. Let your pleasing will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. I am your humble servant, your spiritual soldier, and your humble child... Take me into your arms tonight and hold me Lord. Give me rest. Ease my heart, my soul, and my mind. Tomorrow I will run with you, tomorrow we will work together at these goals-- but tonight let me rest. I love you God... One might say I am tossing and turning in distress. But with a now clear head, I say, I am simply jumping for joy at the good that we will together accomplish... I tremble only because of my lack of understanding, wrapping my head around your love for me. How could I sleep when it feels as if just minutes ago you were in the room speaking directly to me? It is only through you that this is all possible, to you and your Son be all of the glory. Goodnight Father...
Therefore let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us. -Hebrews 12:1
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