.........A God Who WIll Come Running

In my last entry I highlighted this well known idea: We are all mistake making, sinful, humans. And God is perfect and makes no mistakes. I commented on how sometimes our shame in life separates us from having a relationship with God. Because we see God's perfection and then our own imperfections we sometimes feel unworthy before God. Why would he want to listen to my prayers? Why would he love me?


There have been days in my life where I can't even find the will to pray at night because I feel as if I have nothing to offer God, I feel as if my prayer would sound like nails on a chalk board to the ears of God. The fact is that I let God down every day. The fact is we as a world break his heart each and every day. The fact is that God doesn't even need us, he doesn't need our prayers or our praise. He is the maker of the universe, the most powerful being! There is really nothing we can offer God that he doesn't have already, God is whole. But the most important though is: despite our imperfections, despite the fact that we break God's heart, despite all of this.... He still loves us...


It's a baffling concept. How can a perfect God, who REALLY needs nothing from us, ever love such small and sinful people? How can God give us so many chances? How can God bless us despite some of our pasts? None of this makes sense... But for some reason he does still love us. For some reason he still pours everything into his children, each and every one of us. God's love for us is a an absurd, unexplainable, nonsensical, and crazy concept!


Rather than trying to ever explain his love and rather than feeling unworthy of his love we need to just accept it. You can try for your entire life to find a reasonable explanation for why God would ever love people like you and me, but you will never find one. That's why it is love, that is what is so great about God's love: We don't deserve it, yet he pours it out to us. There is nothing out there like God's love... 


Can we just accept that none of us are worthy of such a great gift? Can we stop beating ourselves up? Can we let go of our shame and just accept God's love? Because here is the kicker, it is because we are  unworthy that God sent his only son to the earth. Jesus lived and died in order to take upon his shoulders the sins of this world. When Jesus died for you and I, he took with him all of our shame. You see God understood that we could never be perfect children, and in light of this he sent his son. 


Accept that you aren't perfect, accept that you SHOULD have shame. But also accept that God knows all of this, accept that God sent his only son to forgive us of all our wrong doings. Accept that we are given salvation through Jesus Christ's blood. Accept this fact (for it is the basis of all Christianity) and tear down any walls that may exist between you and God due to your shame or feelings of unworthiness. 


If shame separates you from God, than you must change your perception of the Lord. God looks down upon you with love, he doesn't look down upon you with disappointment. We can't ever earn salvation in God's eyes through good deeds or by being a "good person" because we will ALL fall short. God knows this, and he asks something completely different of us. God only wants an intimate relationship with you, he wants to be close to you, he wants to be involved in every fiber of your being. God is never surprised or taken back by your sins or shortcomings, he is never surprised by your actions. Because Jesus took the sin of the world with him to his grave YOU DON'T HAVE TO LET SHAME SEPARATE YOU FROM GOD. 


Christianity is unlike all of the other religions because it addresses the inevitable truth that no one is perfect. No one can be pure like God, but we can have an intimate  relationship despite that fact.... That is all God wants from you and I, an intimate relationship. 


In order to tie this all together, and to demonstrate this truth... I am now going to share with you my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE  story of the bible, Luke 15:11-31... I pray that it may change entirely your perception of God. He isn't looking down upon you with distain or anger, he only has love for you... 


Jesus tells the parable of the lost son:
"There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his father, Father, give me my share of the estate. So he divided his property between them. Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. After he head spent everything there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He longed to fill his stomach wit the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men." So he got up and went to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called our son.' But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found." 


In this story, there are some things you must understand. First off, the man in this story is symbolic of God/Jesus, and the boy in this story can be considered anyone of us. Now, when the son asked his father "for his share of the estate" this wasn't just a simple request for his money a little early. In those times, by asking for his share of the estate early the son was basically saying to his own father "I want you dead! I just want your wealth!" He was completely rejecting and dishonoring his father. The boy of course "gathers all of his things", in other words he sold his fathers estate and took all of his money to another country in order to essentially go crazy. He lived it up for some period of time, squandering all of his family's money. This boy dishonored his father, wished him dead, and then sold a large part of his father's estate (land and houses which had probably been passed down from generation to generation) in order to go live a sinful life. When famine strikes, the boy finds himself without any money left over and with nothing to eat. When Jesus tells us this story he points out the fact that the boy is willing to work with pigs, and willing to eat the same foods the pigs are eating. Pigs were of course, to the Jews, the most un-pure animal out there. Jesus is emphasizing that this boy is in a terribly low position. In light of this situation, the boy decides to go home to his father. Before you start thinking that the boy has realized all of his wrong doings, understand this couldn't be further from the truth. He doesn't care that he hurt his father, he doesn't care that he sold his families estate, he simply is desperate beyond belief for food. He is going to go lie to his father, faking an apology, in order to eat. 


As the story says, the boy starts heading home. The next important thing to understand here is that he would not be welcome in his town at all. The people, had they seen him, would meet him at the gates of the town to force him away. Because of what he did, because he dishonored his family, he would not be welcome back AT ALL. But the father sees him before anyone else, he sees him coming in from the distance. And the rather runs  to meet his child so that the town's people don't get to him first. In those times, a man was judged by his walk. The slower he went, the more important he must have been. The more elaborate his robe, the more wealthy he must have been. But the father in this story lifts up his robe, and runs to greet his child. The father didn't care what the people would think, he embarrassed himself entirely in front of the town, degrading himself, giving up his social status. The father did all of this to go greet his son, a son who told him that "he wanted him dead". When the son sees his father and apologizes (again not a genuine apology, but a desperate one), the father tells him basically that he was forgiven, the father tells his servant they are going to celebrate for his son who "once was lost and is found."


What? This father, didn't hold his son's terrible and hateful actions against him. This father sacrificed his image and embarrassed himself in order to run to his son... And his son receives his father's grace despite the fact that he wasn't even genuine in his repentance... What?


What is Jesus saying here? What is he getting at with this parable? Again, remember that the father in the story is representative of God our father, and we are all representative of the child... 


Despite our sins, despite our actions, we have a God and a father in heaven that is willing to RUN to us with his love. A God that doesn't care about our flaws, about our sins, about our shames... A God that loves us no matter what, A God that only wants us to have a relationship with him, a God that only wants us close and dear to him. The father in the story celebrates that his "son was lost and now is found", and our God celebrates in a similar way. Our God, our Father, celebrates when we are found, when we come to accept his love and accept Christ as our savior. Our God celebrates and values a relationship with us, he doesn't care about our shame or sins, he accepts us and loves us for who we are. 


We have a God that will come running


And... we have his son, who was willing to be embarrassed, spit on, degraded, beaten, and killed in order to die for your sins... 


I can't wrap my head around God's love for us, but I can come to accept it. I can learn to live in a way that is filled with gratefulness for what Jesus did. I can learn to praise God for accepting me as I am, and I can learn to not let my imperfections separate me from God... God only wants to know you, he only wants an intimate relationship with you...


He is a God that will come to you with love, and a God that will come RUNNING....

Intimacy, and a God Who..........

I recently was asked, by a very close girl friend, what “opening up” to one another in a relationship looks like. She said to me, its alway easy for me to talk to my friends about anything and everything, but why is opening up to your boyfriend (or girlfriend) different? I find it easier to tell a complete stranger everything about my life, but why can’t I do the same with a boyfriend?

I was taken back by this question, having just come out of a long relationship where I had both experienced significant opening up and utter closing off between one another... I literally stopped talking for five minutes in the car when she asked me this... I had to think long and hard before I could answer her... So what is the difference between opening up to friends and to someone you love?

Here is how I answered her: The difference between opening up to your friends and to a significant other is usually shame. See, friends are suppose to be there no matter what, if you were to open up to them and reveal your past, feelings, baggage etc. they will be there still. You aren’t ashamed (as much anyways) to open up to your friends because you know that they are still going to be there no matter what you reveal to them. If I open up to my best friend and tell him about the mistakes I have made in my past than it is NOT going to change anything between us. But say I find this amazing girl (only hypothetical of course) in my life, we are flirting and having amazing times together, we are slowly getting to know each other... And I see myself slowly caring for the person and seeing a future between the two of us. All of a sudden I am scared to let her see the darker sides of my life. I am ashamed of my past, afraid that if she knew the “actual me” or “my baggage” that she won’t feel the same way about me. And depending on what that baggage, those secrets, and what that dark past may be... Her finding out “more about me” may indeed make her change her opinion of me, it may push her away. I am ashamed to “open up” to her because I am scared to lose her. 

Hopefully I have made the difference here clear... We have a hard time opening up to our boyfriends/girlfriends/spouses because essentially we care more about what they will think. The more we love a person the more we are scared to let them down and lose them.

When I explained this to my friend, she said something along the lines of, “Well if my husband has a very dark past, say he has slept with a hundred different girls, than to me I would almost rather not know any of it. I would NOT want him to open up to me, as long as he loved me and treated me amazing I would be better off not knowing and not having to cope with his past.”

This is essentially the “some things are better left unknown” mindset. But in response to this whole notion, I am now going to throw out a word: Intimacy. Intimacy is a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. 

While I would agree that a couple could get by not knowing a few secrets about their past... What needs to be realized is that by opening up to one another and letting each other in, you are growing together in a more intimate relationship. As the definition states, you are becoming more familiar, closer, and more affectionate in your relationship. By “opening up” to one another, you are growing in your relationship, you are becoming more in love and more intimate. You may not want them to know everything about you, but in order to let your two hearts become one (yes i realize how corny that is) than you HAVE to open up. Again, you can get by without opening up to each other, but you are missing out on a certain closeness, a certain intimacy, and a certain melding. You are missing out on an intimate love between one another...

If you have ever had a special someone in your life, than perhaps you know what I am talking about. Its that sigh of relief you can take, that weight off your shoulders that comes with telling them something you are ashamed to admit to... But it is much more than just a conscious clearing act, it is more than lifting a weight off your shoulder. When someone important to you is let into your heart, when you open up to them, you are giving them the opportunity to love you AS YOU ARE. You are letting them see and love the real you, not the person you pretend to be. Accepting each other’s pasts and not letting it affect the way you feel about one another lays a foundation for a strong, intimate, and loving relationship. Hiding things from your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse ultimately creates a distance between one another. It causes fights, it burdens the people that are hiding truths, and it can destroy any relationship. A couple that can’t “open up” to one another is missing out on a certain closeness and unity, and there is no other feeling in the world like this: When someone loves you for you, not for what you have or haven’t done or for what you will become. This is what love really means. 

And............... This, is also what the love of God looks like. Having had this talk with my friend made me realize something far greater than the practicality of “opening up” in a boyfriend/girlfriend type relationship. It made me realize that this is also what our relationship with Christ should look like.

When you bring God into the equation though, there is a huge difference. The difference is that we can’t hide anything from God, he knows all and sees all. He knows something is going to happen even before we go out and do it. He knows our sins of the past and the sins we will make in the future. God is never surprised! I think many Christians allow shame to build a wall between them and God. Often times we look in the mirror and think to ourselves “What am I doing with my life?” We look at ourselves as no good, sinning, let downs to God. Sometimes God’s perfection compared to our imperfection causes us to feel distant from God, unworthy if you will. 

But, God is never surprised, and we can’t hide anything from God. The making for an intimate relationship with the creator has already been laid down because he knows EVERYTHING about us already. He knows more about us than we even do, can you count the hairs on your own head? No, but God can! He knows us better than we know ourselves, and yet sometimes our relationship with God lacks intimacy. It lacks a feeling of closeness... Sometimes we don’t feel close to God despite how close to us he really is...

I would argue that shame is also what can keep us from having an intimate relationship with God.......

But if we are always going to be imperfect, if we are always going to sin; than how do we close this distance between us and God?????

Which Jesus do You Serve? -Part 3

My absolute favorite Christian song is: My Jesus, by Todd Agnew. In this song Todd asks his listeners two important questions...

"Which Jesus do you serve? Which Jesus do you follow?" If I were to answer that question honestly it I would have to say that I serve My Jesus. In other words, I serve a Jesus that I have molded and shaped to fit my life. I serve My Jesus, not the Jesus of scripture. I think we all do...

Sometimes we hide behind feel good Bible quotes of the bible, like this: "For God so loved the world that he gave his only son." John 3:16. Our churches, friends, and fellow brothers in faith let us down by hiding behind these feel good quotes. We have molded Jesus into our own safer and easier to follow versions. We pick and chose the quotes from the bible that make us feel good about our faith, and we totally ignore the parts of the bible that call us to action.

Listen to this story from Luke. Three men approaches Jesus and say "I will follow you wherever you go." We have all reached a point like this, its the day we "hand over our lives" to Jesus, proclaiming him to be our savior. Now don't get me wrong, when a person comes to this point it is a beautiful and miraculous point of someone's life. But the whole point of this three part blog of mine is to prove to you that "finding Jesus" is only the beginning. Calling yourself a Christian and recognizing Christ as your savior, is only the start to what SHOULD be a long road ahead. The first man in Luke is feeling so good about his faith that he decides he wants to serve the Lord. But Jesus tells him this, "Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the son of man has no place to lay his head." In other words, he is telling this man that to serve Christ will mean possibly being homeless. The second man tells Jesus to essentially wait up for him, because his father has died and he wants to go give him a proper burial. Jesus says to him, "Let the dead burry their own dead, but you go and proclaim the Kingdom of God." He asks this man to leave his father unburied to go follow Jesus NOW. The third man, just as ambitious as the last two, asks Jesus if he can go say goodbye to his family before he leaves. Jesus responds, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the Kingdom of God." This is straight out of Jesus's mouth, essentially he says don't go say goodbye to your family. Leave them behind, and don't ever look back, look ahead to the Kingdom in Heaven and serve me no matter the cost.

While we hide behind these fluffy-duffy bible quotes such as John 3:16, we are missing out on our true calling. Yet we continue to mold the story of Jesus into our own little box, hearing time and time again that God loves us so much that he sent his son to die on the cross. That we are forgiven for all of our sins past and present, that as long as we accept Christ as our savior we are bound for heaven. These are usually the main ideas that we hold on to. But don't you see that we are picking and choosing the ideas and concepts that make Christianity easy for us? In my last few blogs, I have said that there is much more to Christianity, and much more to enacting a faith in Jesus.... And I said that we need to enact this faith NOW and not later... And the story in Luke 9 shows us what this may look like:

-Leaving your family, friends, and comforts behind. Serving God no matter the cost. Serving God with a vigor that cannot be stopped. Not looking back, but only looking ahead to the Kingdom...

The song I refereed to earlier goes on to say this, "If Ephesians says to imitate Christ, why do you look so much like the world?" What I think Todd Agnew is getting at is this very point: The actual Jesus from the Bible, lived a totally different life than that of most  Christians today. He did not go to church in an air conditioned building, listen to great music, and eat free food. And he certainly did not just serve God one day a week for only a few hours. No! Jesus lived an entire life dedicated to serving God, dedicated to proclaiming the word of God to the world, dedicated to showing God's love to everyone. The key word here is dedication, Jesus did not live a half baked life. He did not serve God when it was convenient, he served God with an untouchable vigor and DEDICATION.

"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly love children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2.

This Ephesians quote calls us to imitate Christ. And more importantly it makes a huge distinction between what I consider to be two types of Christians.
 1) Stagnate and Indulging Christian: The Christian who has come to know the story of Jesus, accepted his grace, and he/she just enjoys this gift on a daily basis. They live as if they can do whatever because all they understand is that they are forgiven and given grace because of Jesus. They sit around living a blessed life each day, enjoying the gift of grace, but never sharing it.
2) Christ imitating Christians: The Christian that comes to know the grace of God, and in light of this gift of grace he/she has received their lives are transformed. They are so moved by Grace that they offer their lives as living sacrifices to God, just as Jesus did.

Do you see the difference here? Which Jesus do you serve? Do you serve the "American Jesus" that offers total salvation and eternal life with little work? Or the real Jesus from scripture, the Jesus that totally surrendered his life to the cause of God? The real Jesus, not only sacrificed his life to further the Kingdom of God, but he also commanded us to do the same...

There is much more to Christianity.... Much more than just reading your bible, going to church here and there, and wearing a cross around your neck. This is SUCH an easy trap to fall into... But I encourage you to read the difficult passages of the Bible. Don't just read the fluffy-duffy ones, read the challenging ones. Read them and apply them, read them and assess your life. Because each one of us is called to do more than just enjoy the grace we are given... And Christianity (true Christianity) is a difficult path to walk.

I don't yet know what this is going to look like for me. I don't have all (or any) of the answers. I don't write all of this as a person that has it all figured out. In fact I write all of this simply as a person that has discovered these truths. I am guilty of being a lazy Christian. I am guilty of indulging in the gifts of God without giving anything back. Finding these truths about what it REALLY means to be a Christian makes me shake to the core. Now that I know the truth, now that I see so clearly what my life must entail, now that I see what it is Jesus commands us to do with our lives... I am left sitting here wishing that I never uncovered the truth. I prefer the American version of lazy Christianity much more... Because it is easier... I tremble because I don't yet know what this imitation of Christ is going to look like in my life. I don't know the road I should go down, I don't know the sacrifices I need to make, and I don't know where to go with all of this... I am more lost, alone, and confused now then ever.............

Again, while it is easy to read all of this and feel as if I am looking down on the rest of my brothers in Christ, condemning them for the lives they currently live. I am simply sharing a startling and devastating truth... A truth that has turned my world upside down....

Lord I apologize, for living so ignorantly up to this point. I apologize for procrastinating with my faith and servitude to your Kingdom. I am sorry that I get wrapped up in this life, I am sorry that I hold on to the things of this world, I am sorry that I ever have to think for a second before I sacrifice things of this world in order to serve you. I am sorry that despite knowing the truth, I am still going to struggle with all of these issues.... I am sorry that I throw away my talents, time, and resources each day. I am sorry that I break your heart... Lord I am sorry.


Lord I also pray, that you may open doors for both me and my brothers in faith. That you may point us in the right direction, down a path to walk down without ever looking back. Give me laser-like focus, to keep my mind centered on your Kingdom and on serving you... Just like your Son Jesus did. I want to imitate Christ, as best as I can... Though I know I am only human, and though I know I am merely but a speck of dust in this universe. But through you I can accomplish great things, by your Holy Spirit and will alone will any success in this world be attained. Praise be to you for all of the gifts and talents you have given me, help me to discover what it looks like to put my everything into serving you, and into imitating your son Jesus. Help me to quit enacting a half-baked faith that is centered around what is easy and comfortable. Help me to discover and demonstrate what it means to be a true Christian. 


There is so much more to being a Christian........

No, You Can't Wait Untill Tomorrow! -Part 2

Procrastination and Christianity often go hand in hand...

 What a lot of people either don't understand or indirectly understand is that Christianity isn't easy... It is considered the "narrow road" for a reason. Because living as such IS NOT EASY. Day in and day out I struggle with this thing called "Faith". Let me give you a few examples of some other things that are hard (for me at least) : writing huge papers, studying for mid-terms and final exams, having confrontational talks with people, and waking up in the mornings. Now, besides being hard for me to do, what else do all of these things have in common? I procrastinate on them... I will wait until the last night to write any papers, I will wait until 3:00 in the morning to start studying for a test, I will put off having "tough" talks for weeks if not months, and I will snooze through my alarm up until THE last moment possible before I have to race out of bed and into the shower. Sometimes we tend to procrastinate on the things in life which are hard for us to do...

As I mentioned, Christianity and enacting your faith is certainly something that is hard to do. We fail at it no matter how hard we try because in the end we are merely imperfect humans living in a corrupted world. Christianity means sacrificing things such as money (material goods), it means fleeing from sexual immorality, and it basically entitles us to live a life "not socially normal" or like the rest. As we look around at things like our neighbors huge TV and our friends that hook up with a different girl every week, it is hard not to look at Christianity as this HARD and not necessarily fun life style. Trust me I see the glamor and the enticement of everything this world has to offer, and I fall into the trap all the time. Christianity is not easy.... Especially if you live out Jesus' true calling for his people. Throw the topic of my last blog into this whole "mess" and it just gets that much harder. To live a life that isn't half baked and to pursuit a genuine relationship with Jesus day in and day out means even that much more work!

When you realize that God doesn't just call you to accept him and "sort of" follow him but rather to give him all or nothing... All of a sudden hard isn't even a qualified word, we need words like grueling and problematic. The bottom line is this: In this world (this country especially), the idea of Christianity is so counter intuitive, such an opposite way of thinking, and such an opposite and "inconvenient" way of living that it is no wonder no one wants to do it and pursuit it entirely!

This of course is the wrong way of thinking, but we can all relate. The key things to understand and try and wrap your head are these: God has no sense of time, and God offers a far greater gift in heaven for an eternity.

-God really has no sense of time, it sounds like I am making fun of him or making him out to be that person that is always late. But its sort of true. God gave us "time" and our sense of duration, therefore he is timeless. Therefore he is not subject to our laws of time, because he created them. 70-80 years to us seems like FOREVER, but to him its just a blink of an eye, he is working with a different unit of time: Eternity. And that is how long we have to spend with him (God willing that is).
-No matter what the cost in this lifetime, and no matter how "sucky" it may seem to be  Christian the gift of eternity in Heaven will be worth it all. If we truly call ourselves Christians and truly believe in a God, than we must know and understand that any sacrifices we must make in this lifetime will be worth it in the end!

Here is the big picture


I titled this "No, Can't Wait Until Tomorrow" because I relate to and struggle with the fact that Christianity is hard. I personally identify each and every one of the difficulties this religion presents me with and I have this tendency to put things on hold. I tell myself "I will start being that person another day." I think we all are guilty of this... Procrastination with our faith gives us this fall sense of justification, this false sense of thinking that we are better people deep inside. Procrastination in the sense of our religion makes us content because we are believing and hoping in this greater person that we "will become".

Wake up Anthony! There are two things I MUST come to grips with...
1) Just because I tell myself I am going to write that paper later, or have that difficult conversation later; doesn't mean it necessarily is going to happen. And sometimes when I hit the snooze on the alarm too many times I end up never waking up... What makes me think my procrastination tendencies are going to be any different when it comes to faith?
2) When it comes to something as serious as enacting my faith, procrastination and waiting until tomorrow only opens the door for a dangerous possibility. Maybe there won't be a tomorrow... Everyone is faced with death, I think we all see at some point just how fragile life really is. Even if I do truly plan on getting around to all of these "faith things", the truth is I may never get the chance. I play a sport where I let people throw a hard ball at me at 90mph, I drive a 7,000 lb. car at 70 mph every day on my way to school, and then four or five times a year I strap myself into a man made flying machine that moves 600mph through the air miles and miles above the ground....

I man named Jerry Schemmel, a well known Christian speaker and author, was suppose to be my college baseball coach when I was first recruited. Because of this I was given the chance to at least hear his testimony. To make a long story short he was a part of a devastating airplane crash some many years ago. He witnessed first hand how quickly lives can be taken. He now goes around telling everyone that NOW is the time to come to Christ, because life is short. For those of us who are already Christ followers, I take that one step further...

Now is the time to start entirely dedicating your life to Christ (no more half baked faith), because life truly is a fragile thing. If that day where you have to sit in front of God ever came unpredictably early... I don't want to regret having ever told myself "God I will put you off until later..."

Can You Imagine Explaining Your Life to God? -Part 1

If this thought doesn't just scare the crap out of you, then you might need to seriously reconsider your outlook on life...


There IS a God, he is out there, he is omniscient, he is bigger than we could ever imagine, he created the stars and the heavens, he can count and number all the hairs on your head, he is powerful and glorious beyond comprehension.... Hopefully you at least know this much to be true.... If you don't already, please please come to terms.... 


What even more of us don't realize, however; is that one day (on judgement day) each and every one of us is going to have to sit in front of this all powerful and mighty creator and explain our lives to him. We are going to have to explain every sin, we are going to have to explain why we flipped that driver off this morning. We are going to have to explain why we just passed that homeless person by as if he was nothing more than a piece of dirt. I could go on and on, because we all make a hundred mistakes each day. And the fact of the matter is one day we are going to stand before God and have to account for our lives... 


Accounting for our lives means much more than explaining our sins however. See Jesus already came, and gave his life so that we may be forgiven for these wrong doings. But I think some of us wrongfully get wrapped up in this idea that "I can do whatever, sin whenever, act however, and I will be forgiven for my sins no matter what. Because I have accepted Christ..."


Yet we can't live this way....


There is so much more to having a faith in Christ... My heart breaks right now as I discover these shattering truths. I am sick to death of this half-assed Christian lifestyle that I currently am leading and that so many around me are enacting. As I digress, understand that I going to sound as if I am blowing up on my fellow brothers in faith. As if I am taking the high road here, scolding my fellow Christians. But in reality, although this applies to SO MANY Christians, I am really speaking down upon myself, I am let down in myself..... It is me that is guilty here.


Being a Christian means more than just accepting Christ as your savior. It means having FAITH. Faith means totally trusting in God, but the way we live doesn't reflect this! So what you have accepted Christ as your savior... Prove it! Prove it by trusting in Jesus to such a degree that you give him EVERYTHING. Not just giving him your attention when its convenient, not just offering God "just enough to get by". So what you call yourself a Christian, this means NOTHING. Prove it! I can blog all I want about how great God is, I can quote the bible and make my Facebook status some life applicable Bible quote, but when I go out the next day and swear 50 times with my baseball team then it all means nothing... In my opinion, actions speak louder than words. I can say I am a Christian all I want, but unless I take up the cross and act it out each day than it doesn't matter. Some day we are going to have to sit in front of God (the maker of the universe) and explain before him our lives. Are you going to sit in front of the all powerful and mighty maker of the universe and say "But God, I called myself a Christian, I pretended to be this great follower in front of all of my peers, and I went to church on Sundays!"

I have news for you, God isn't going to care, he is going to care about your actions, not about how you pretended to be. One day you are GOING TO HAVE TO SIT IN FRONT OF GOD IN HIS THRONE AND ACOUNT FOR YOUR ACTIONS... If you truly have a faith in Jesus Christ than you will stop living a half-baked life. You will stop doing the minimum and start doing the maximum... No matter what this means, no matter the cost, no matter the sacrifices... 

I can't keep being this person. God isn't going to pull out a 13'' Macbook Pro on my Judgement day, look at my blogs and Facebook and say "Well my son, you sure came across as a follower of Christ, you gave me 10% so I will give you an eternity here with me, your 10% was good enough for me my boy!" :-)

NO!!!! He is going to confront me, he is going to make me explain my actions to him. He is going to make me account for everything I have done. He is going to make me explain why I wasted my time, resources, wealth, opportunities... He is going to speak with such a thunderous voice that my body will shake with fear to such a point that I will barely be able to catch my breath in order to even speak one word... One day I am going to have to sit in front of the Maker of the Universe in order to explain myself. I don't want to have to make excuses, I don't want to have to apologize, I want to be able to say "God, with all that you gave me, with every resource and blessing, I did my best to glorify you and further your Kingdom. Though I am only human, and though I am small, I did through your Holly Spirit everything I could to further your Kingdom, to your name be the glory..."

There is so much more to being a Christian......... I pray I can learn to act on this, that I can learn to focus on what matters most, and that I can learn to live for God every second of every day.... 

What I REALLY Want People to Know About Me

-I play baseball, I have played all of my life, and I currently play in college.
-I love my family, I still call my mom Mommy and I still tell both parents that I love them
-I am a huge dog person
-I have a sick obsession with cars, I love to work on them, look at them, own them (I have owned 4 different cars, crashed none of them, and sold all of them just to move on to the next one)
-I am a very quiet and introverted person. It takes me a very long time to warm up to people enough to the point where I am comfortable talking at all. I am shy. On a daily basis I will sometimes catch myself going hours upon hours without ever saying a word.
-I am very observant. I consider myself to be a people reader. I "specialize" in analyzing situations, people, circumstances, and anything else for that matter. I am usually very good at seeing through to the truth. This is all a constant obsession of mine, I honestly wish I could just stop thinking so much! At any given moment there is more on my mind than should be... Again this is a part of my introvert personality
-I absolutely CANNOT fake a smile, my friends and family all make fun of me for having THE worst fake smiles ever. Therefore, I do a terrible job of ever hiding my moods. People know when something is bothering me... Versus when I am truly happy, joyous, and smiling.
-I don't quite identify myself as a social person. I don't do that well in large groups (I am more of a one-on-one person), and I usually feel out of place in "crowds" of 4 or more people.
-I am a very serious person, goal oriented, hard working, and focused. If there is a problem I solve it, if there is work to be done I can't just sit around and procrastinate. As a classmate put it "I live my life in constant fast forward", I really have to stop myself in order to let lose sometimes...
-My favorite thing to do in order to relax is to work out. Some people read, some people play music, some people get on Facebook... I go and work out.
-All of these traits so far pretty much make me sound like a stick in the mud (which can in be the case), but I also REALLY love my friends, when the time is right I like nothing more than to just put the world aside in order to go have a blast with my friends. I can let lose and have fun, I can laugh a lot, I can smile a lot just like anyone else...
- I have a "Guardian Type" personality. In other words, I am a protector. I am constantly looking out and seeking to help my friends and family. I will drop anything and everything to help someone in need... I would do anything to to help a friend, or anyone in need for that matter. More recently however I have found my friends acting the same way, being the ones to drop anything and everything to come help me in my times of need.
-I am a good listener. I mumble when I talk, and can't get my thoughts into words when I try and express myself... But when it comes to hearing what other people have to say, I tend to listen to every word (unless its my Mom talking, for some reason I have subconsciously learned to block everything she says out).
-I tend to be a relationship type person, I respect girls, I don't see girls as trophies or things to enjoy randomly for one night at a time, I open doors, I still clean my car before dates, and I do my absolute best to look at a girls eyes instead of boobs when we talk.
-The last thing I will share with you is that I am a person with a huge temper. I have lost control in only a few very memorable instances in my life. Because of this, I suppress any feelings of anger that I may have. There isn't a person in my life (minus maybe my direct family) that has ever seen my lose control of myself... I have purposefully taught myself to be extremely slow to anger, to be patient, and to never lose my cool. For this reason I also stay soft spoken, quiet, and turn the cheek whenever possible... Acting out of love is much more rewarding...

So there you go, a long list of things that NO ONE cares to know. But this is my attempt to list the things I would want a complete stranger to know about me.... Only there is one very important thing missing from this list....

I am a Christian... I love Jesus Christ, I strive to live like him, speak like him, and love like him. Though this is IMPOSSIBLE, it doesn't hurt to have as a goal. I sin every day, but it is because of the blood of Jesus Christ that I will be offered salvation... I LOVE my Father in Heaven... I AM A CHRISTIAN. This above all things is what I want people to know about me...

But I am afraid (for the most part) that I am failing at this... I often wonder what people think of me if my name is ever mentioned. While 99/100 people will say "I don't care what people think about me," to any of you I say this is a total lie! We care what people think of us... And I am telling you right now as a Christian you should care what people think about you (in a sense)...

You should want people to look at you and think to themselves "What is it about them? What does he/she have that I don't?" Before you start thinking I am trying to give you a heightened sense of self worth, I assure you this isn't the case. This "thing" I am referring to is Jesus Christ. Its that walk, that talk, that light of Christ that just pours out of some people's every ounce of being. At this moment I don't necessarily consider myself to be a good example of that. But that is the issue, I want to be that person who is reflecting God's love in such a way that people would want to find Jesus for themselves. Only by growing my relationship with Christ can this ever be the case... One of the corniest quotes you will ever hear comes from Matthew 5:14, "For you are the light of this world, a town built on a hill cannot be hidden."As childish and on the surface as looking in the mirror moment may be, I am asking myself right now "Am I really that town on the till? am I really lighting up this world? am I really glorifying God through my words and actions on a daily basis? Am I really being a great enough reflection of the love of Jesus Christ so that people are looking at me and wanting to find Jesus for themselves?"

No.... I am not... But that quote is straight forward, if you become that light, if you walk that walk... Then people will see you, they will notice. That town on the hill needs to be me...

Part 4: Rebuilding...

You have heard the story of how I fell to the lowest of spots, but now its my chance to glorify God and share with you how I have slowly started standing back up... For it is by His grace, and through His love alone that I was ever able to start rebuilding... Rebuilding my heart, my faith, my friendships, and my focus on life.

I am not going to continue doing this in a specific linear account or recap of events. Rather I am just going to share some of the random trials, truths, insights, and thoughts that I have come upon going down this path of rebuilding. By writing all of this I mostly hope to just reflect on the many thoughts that I am having, in hope that my moments of "discovery" are not experienced and then lost.   

Though I write as if my words are directed at an audience, in all honesty, I am doing all of this for me, so that I may get off of my chest the multitude of contemplations, assessments, and ideas that spin through my head each day... At this point I have not made ANY of this blog public, who knows if I ever will... 

But I feel that it is only by coming to terms with the steps I am making that I can give glory to God. It is only by taking a step back (assessing what is happening in my life) that I can fully appreciate the workings of God as I go through this transformation... And what better of a way than to express through writing each step along the way... 

Whether this is all done just for me (and never shared); or done so that others may read this and get a feel for my experience, to God be all the glory! This isn't about me.... I am still a lost, confused, and hurting individual. I am nothing! I am so small in this world, easily forgotten, easily missed... But our God isn't, he is huge, he is marvelous, he is what it (life) is all about....

Part 3: In an Instant

“In church today a man fell to his knees, crying and shaking as God reduced him to nothing. That man was me... God finally answered my prayers, he broke me and stripped me of all of my pride.”

This was my last status update on Facebook. I posted it on September 12, 2010: A day I will never forget. I woke up that morning, and decided I was going to go to church all by myself. My family was away at a baseball game for my brother. Instead of using the “I don’t want to go alone” excuse, I just followed my heart and went. To be honest, I remember very little about this morning. I couldn’t tell you what I wore, I couldn’t tell you what service I made it to, I couldn’t tell you where I sat, I could’t tell you who was sitting by me, I couldn’t tell you what songs they sang, and I could’t tell you what the sermon was about. But I was indeed there.

How then could a Sunday morning at church be so special to me, if I don’t even remember a thing about it? 

Let me explain... Have you ever had a day where you wake up just exhausted. Where you fight and fight the desire to go back to sleep because you HAVE to get on with your day. You tell yourself, “I just have to go to class, then go do this, then go do that, and THEN I can finally come back home and lay down!” One of those days where all you think about and long for is that next time where you can lay down and sleep... You are exhausted and worn our beyond belief! And then you finally reach that point, after counting down the hours you finally get everything done, you get home open your door, you see your bed there just waiting for you, and you fall onto your pillow with this huge release. 

That was me on September 12, just in a different sense. I didn’t want to wake up early that morning, I didn’t want to take a shower, I didn’t want to get dressed, and I didn’t want to leave my room! But I went through all that “trouble” because something was just drawing me to church that morning. I just wanted to be in the house of my father, I was following my heart, it was all I could think about. I knew that I was going to get this big release from it, getting to church was all I could focus on and think about... 

And here is the amazing part... It was like God was calling me into his arms, I couldn’t explain my it, but I followed my heart. I made it into the building that morning, and found a seat somewhere. That’s when it hit me....................

I didn’t even get to sit down, I literally crashed. Within seconds (that’s no exaggeration, it only took 3 or 4) my knees got weak, I couldn’t stand, I couldn’t see, I couldn’t think. I fell to my knees in front of the chair, I wept, and I shook out of control. I found myself in a state of total humility there just crying. Before that day, I think maybe 4 or 5 people had ever seen me cry. I don’t know how many people watched, I don’t know what people saw or what they thought, but I didn’t care. I was in my own little hole, on my knees without A SINGLE ounce of dignity. 

Falling down in front of my chair, I literally FELT God go into my heart and strip away my pride. I FELT him come in and take away everything. It wasn’t losing my girlfriend that did it, it wasn’t that lonely feeling, it wasn’t health issues, it wasn’t my elbow injury, and it wasn’t the loss of any worldly thing that caused this. It was GOD reaching into me and stealing all my dignity. I can’t describe it, and you probably can’t imagine it. But one moment its there, and the next it isn’t. One moment I am “Anthony-Fricking-Sylvester” and in the next I am crying in front of hundreds of people feeling worthless on the ground. I can’t emphasize enough that this was God. It is impossible to try and think about God stealing a human condition (pridefulness), it is impossible to try and imagine  how one moment you can be a prideful person, and totally humbled in the next. But don’t put limits on God....

Its sort of like the movie Austin Powers and the Spy who Shagged Me. In that movie Austin, the International Man of Mystery, wakes up one morning and realizes that  his "Mojo" is suddenly gone. He doesn't know who took it or how (at least not at this point), but just like that it is gone! He can't explain it at all, but he just knows and feels that it is gone... Austin goes on to realize later on that he doesn't need his Mojo... He still gets the girl, still defeats the bad guy, and still saves the world.  

Other than using that stupid analogy and comparison, I really just can’t find the words to describe what happened to me in those few seconds. I am not poetic enough, and I am not a good enough writer. But I assure you that I am not crazy, I felt God come into me and “strip” me of my pride, and I felt what it is like to be reduced to nothing. And I can assure you, doing it as God did was the only way....

When I prayed for God to break me and strip me of my pride, I imagined something way different. I imagined God enacting some sort of terrible event, I imagined him doing something like taking away the love of my life. BUT THAT WASN’T WHAT BROKE ME. God broke me in an entirely different and inexplainable way. And he had to!

Pride works in a vicious way. It compiles itself, and only grows. How do you break someone’s pride?

-I could have lost my scholarship... So what? "I will find another way to pay for school!"

-I could have woke up bruised and cut up in a ditch... So what? I survived, I would tell myself, “Look everyone, I can’t be beat'

-I could have lost an arm in a car accident... So what? "I will show the whole world that I can do more with one than others do with two!"

The scenarios are endless, I don’t think it would have mattered how drastic, because I was that prideful. And so yeah, I lost my girlfriend, that SUCKED! But that wasn’t what broke me, my pride would have eventually told me “Don’t worry, you are Anthony Sylvester, you will move on, be fine, and find another one.” No, losing her didn’t take away my pride, not even close. God did... He didn’t do it by a series of  hardships or terrible events, nor in any way that I could have imagined. He just did it, he just came in my heart and took my pride! Weird and hard to describe/imagine? Yes... But if you think about it, for a person AS prideful as me, it was the only way to do it. Its no wonder God HATES pride so much... It’s just a never ending, ever growing, almost unbeatable evil. An evil that was destroying my life...

And so I will wrap it up like this. I just want to take a second to praise God: He works in the most mysterious yet amazing ways. He always has a plan for us, he always acts out of love and has our best interest in mind. What he did to me that Sunday morning was by all accounts AMAZING. I am so thankful, it changed my life.... Thank you God... You deserve all the glory.......................

Part 2: Lone-ly

–adjective

1.

affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

2.

destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.

3.

lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

4.

remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak.

5.

standing apart; isolated.

Dictionary.com defines the word lonely, yet this definition somehow seamlessly described my life for a period of 3-4 days...

-Depressing feeling? Well I didn’t eat for a week... 

-Desperate for companionship? Yeah, duh! I lost my BEST friend. 

-Solitary, and without company? Well... After all it was just me laying in bed, locked in my room. 

-Desolate? I’d say my heart was dismally empty...

-Standing apart and isolated? You bet, ESPECIALLY FROM GOD!

After 3-4 days of not getting a single text message or phone call, 3-4 days of hardly leaving my room, 3-4 days of crying, and 3-4 days of never praying or thinking once about God; its safe to say I was lonely. Lets throw just a few more depressing descriptions out there: I was empty, heart broken, lost, trembling, sleepless, dizzy, and confused. I LOVED her, I don’t think its a stretch to say she was my WHOLE WORLD, of course when she left I was going to feel this way. 

I relied on her for so much, my confidence, my smiles, my fun, sharing feelings, talking to each day, even for figuring out what to eat. I guess none of this was ever alarming to me, because though I loved her and grew to rely on her, it wasn’t ever like I worshiped her. It wasn’t like I completely rejected God, in my head religion was still the number one priority (and I still for the most part lead a very Christian life). But loving her was easy, truly loving God was hard, and so I poured it all into her because it was easy for me. Giving love to her was never the problem, I don’t think there is a single person (including her) that would say I failed in treating her right or loving her with all I had. But can a relationship fail because you give too much? You bet, and it did! Where was this love and dedication for Christ??????? Where was the balance?????? And how could she reciprocate my love without taking away time and love from God as well????? Of course this was all going to end in flames.... Our love for Christ, though still there, was inevitably lacking... 

I was putting off loving God, justifying it with this notion that “I will do it in the future, when I am married, successful, and done focusing on school.”. I say it agin, in my heart of hearts I knew God was who I wanted to give my all to. But under my own power I did very little to ever enact it in that moment, I was too prideful to ever change or realize I needed more than a trophy wife and this “plan” to love God in the future. I was running, and hiding behind this content feeling that I got pouring my heart and love into my high school sweet-heart.  

September 8th:Snap, just like that she was gone.... Lone-ly-ness could be the only result. But of course, although I felt lonely, it is once again important to realize that I was never alone. There is a difference. God was with me, right  there with a plan..............

As if this entry couldn’t get any longer.... I am going to digress...

I started out copy and pasting a definition. I did so for one other reason... A dictionary can eloquently and thoroughly describe just about every word in the English language. But there are exceptions: For instance love. Can you define the L-word? I would argue no. Certainly you can try, but I don’t think any two people understand love the same. I don’t think any two people would agree ENTIRELY on what love is. A definition implies precision, but love can’t be precisely described using any amount of words. That’s why people who have “experienced” love will sometimes say to their friends, “You will just know, I can’t really describe it to you, but trust me you will just know!” If you disagree with me, consider this. In the definition I acquired for lonely it took 39 words to define (remember this implies precision and no open ends) what it means to feel lonely. Then, there is this unique collection of words in what’s called THE HOLY BIBLE, and it is 774,728 words long. 

This book, if you will, reveals to people the meaning of life through a beautiful bundle of stories, poems, quotes, parables, and biographies. Jesus summarized this “meaning of life” into one commandment: “Love the lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Then is it a stretch to say that this book (all 774,728 words) is man kind’s guide to discovering love?  God’s dictionary with hundreds of pages describing love... Is it a stretch to think that this collection of words is God’s outline for how to live our lives; how to obey him, how to understand him, and ultimately how to feel and experience his LOVE for us? 

Okay, perhaps I AM making a bit of stretch here. But the point is this: If you want a complete, precise, and elaborate understanding of love (God’s love); then you must turn to the 774,728 words of the bible. 

 I can know what the word lonely means by reading a few lines. And I can FULLY live and experience loneliness in a matter of 3 days. However, to ever know and understand God’s love I have to dig so much deeper. God comprised a huge book entirely filled with beautiful words that paint a picture of what his love for us looks like. Forget 3-4 days, it will take my ENTIRE life to even catch a glimpse of God’s love for me. God’s love is THAT great, it’s THAT big, and it’s THAT indescribable. Wrap your head around that... 774,728 words to read in order to get a small glimpse of what love really is.......... Well then, I better start NOW! 

And if God’s love for me is THAT extensive, then surely there is a reason for all that pain and loneliness... 

Of course there is Anthony! After all, you literally asked for it, you asked God for all of this some months ago... “Break me God, so that I can learn to truly find you and to truly love you. I long for that relationship with you, no matter how low I have to go before I get there, take away my pride!”

God does all things out of love for us, he is for us not against us. He acts out of love, and we can’t even begin to understand that kind of compassion.................................................. But we must try, if we are to ever fulfill his greatest commandment. To reflect God’s love we must begin to live, learn, and understand his his word. 

And that couldn't wait, God was done following my agenda! And he answered my prayer... 

Part 1: Escalation-Who's in Control? When Life Spins out of Control...

One hard day, then a hard week. One rough month, then a tough summer. Am I describing my life this summer or my relationship? Why not both... Its not a stretch to say that one started having implementations on the other. But surely every person, and every couple deals with it. We had been there before...

“We were just fighting a lot...” 

You would have to know the two of us to understand that “fighting” never (or very rarely) meant raised voiced, or harsh words. But an unspoken parallel of clashing emotions, little instances that pulled us apart inch by inch. But where most couples could underline these “instances” as being silly and stupid, this only applied to us half of the time. Something deeper was surfacing, ever so slowly. Something that at the time I could blow off and ignore, something that at the time felt like it would pass...  After all we were going to be together forever, nothing (especially these “silly” things) could stop us... 

The distance grew, we both literally started seeing less of each other and figuratively grew apart. Yet once again, in my eyes anyway, a red flag never went up. As I describe it to you now I focus only on the bad, it is important though to realize that all this was mixed into a summer and year of some amazing times together. Some fun nights making dinner, some fun days going out to eat, some fun days watching movies, some fun days going shopping, some fun days spent with the sisters, some fun days with the dog, and some fun days doing absolutely nothing... It is this mixture of good and bad that made that red flag even harder to see. I don’t think ANYONE recognized problems, at least not early on.

A few good days, and bad days later (towards the end of summer), and we finally came to terms. We sat down one night and mutually decided to talk things out... That’s all it felt like we needed, just some time to put our hectic lives aside, to forgive each other, and a chance to talk together and sort things out...

Imagine for a second, a “cute” fight between a couple. Hard to imagine I know, but that’s what it started out as. We chose a night after a Rockies Game to talk things out, we chose a night where we were getting along PERFECTLY, we chose to talk cuddled up to a movie. We spoke in our soft loving voices to each other and outlined (yes outlined) all of the issues we needed to discuss. Outlining everything, during such a cute and cuddly moment, almost made the discussion seem so pointless. As we started mentioning discussion topics (discussion at this point, not fighting) I kept thinking to myself that the night couldn’t get better, that in that moment everything was perfect and these “problems” seemed so minuscule. “Why was I worked up over that? Look at her, look at us, why I was upset for even a second over this stuff?”

We started switching off, listing off things to talk about: Communication, church, Africa, etc... And then we jumped in. We didn’t even make it through the Communication issue when suddenly a switch was flipped.

The underlying problem of our relationship suddenly came out, it was a huge realization for both of us. The words came out of our mouths in just the right order, as if God led our conversation so that we would finally realize this underlying flaw. Pin-pointing our problems in that instance made the separation, at least for me, grow from inches to miles. I only remember where I started the conversation, and where I ended it (physically). I started out holding her so closely that there wasn’t even room for air. And I remember finishing sitting on my knees, facing the wall, three feet away from her, and bent over with my head between my legs. 

How could a night such as this, escalate into a meltdown? How cold two people with a seemingly “perfect” relationship grow apart in a matter of minutes? It is mind boggling to me If i think about it this way: After 1,283,040 (give or take a few) minutes of growing together as a couple, we fell apart in a matter of 2 or 3.  All the thousands of memories suddenly suppressed and forgotten, replaced with just this one. 

To answer those questions, as to how it could have happened, I would use one word (a name rather): God. 

You see, looking back at that night, when I looked into her eyes I didn’t see my girl. I saw something inside of her, almost take control and force her to say the things she never could on her own (likewise with me). I described it to my friends as a switch going off. Her voice changed, her look changed, everything... Just a switch. And here is the kicker, I didn’t cry once that night, I didn’t even lose an hour of sleep! Something had gotten into me as well...

I remember word for word what we said, but I can’t believe we said any of it. I remember mutually deciding to take a break, but I can’t believe I didn’t even fight for her! Because this blog isn’t suppose to be about the tragic end a love story, I am not going to go into what was said... For the sake of focusing on what matters the most, that will go unmentioned. But what does matter here, THE one thing, is that I can honestly say looking back at the night that God separated us... It was the only way. Only God could break my love and commitment to her on that night, it took his strength and his will to break my love for her. Were I in control, it would have been a cute and harmless “fight”. Were I in control, this night wouldn’t have happened, were I in control, her and I would still be happily together (still running from an inevitable truth, however). 

~But that’s just it... I am not in control. I serve a God that is omniscient, timeless and spaceless. He is in control, he has OUR best interest in mind, he knows and see’s what we don’t...

I can’t really define this night as a breaking point, remember I didn’t even shed so much as a tear... Nothing in my life had even begun to hit me. But what hits me now (not necessarily then), is the fact that God came into my life right then and there.... He took the wheel, this was his first response to a crumbling man’s only prayer:

“God, break me! God make the necessary changes in my life that I am too prideful to do myself. Shatter me, I know I will hate you for it at first. But I am empty. I refuse to hear you, I refuse to listen for your guidance, so do to me WHATEVER it takes!”

At the time, and two months ago when I posted my first blog, I had no idea that this prayer’s implications would mean God separating me from the love of my life. But he had a plan..........................................................