Part 2: Lone-ly

–adjective

1.

affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

2.

destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.

3.

lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

4.

remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak.

5.

standing apart; isolated.

Dictionary.com defines the word lonely, yet this definition somehow seamlessly described my life for a period of 3-4 days...

-Depressing feeling? Well I didn’t eat for a week... 

-Desperate for companionship? Yeah, duh! I lost my BEST friend. 

-Solitary, and without company? Well... After all it was just me laying in bed, locked in my room. 

-Desolate? I’d say my heart was dismally empty...

-Standing apart and isolated? You bet, ESPECIALLY FROM GOD!

After 3-4 days of not getting a single text message or phone call, 3-4 days of hardly leaving my room, 3-4 days of crying, and 3-4 days of never praying or thinking once about God; its safe to say I was lonely. Lets throw just a few more depressing descriptions out there: I was empty, heart broken, lost, trembling, sleepless, dizzy, and confused. I LOVED her, I don’t think its a stretch to say she was my WHOLE WORLD, of course when she left I was going to feel this way. 

I relied on her for so much, my confidence, my smiles, my fun, sharing feelings, talking to each day, even for figuring out what to eat. I guess none of this was ever alarming to me, because though I loved her and grew to rely on her, it wasn’t ever like I worshiped her. It wasn’t like I completely rejected God, in my head religion was still the number one priority (and I still for the most part lead a very Christian life). But loving her was easy, truly loving God was hard, and so I poured it all into her because it was easy for me. Giving love to her was never the problem, I don’t think there is a single person (including her) that would say I failed in treating her right or loving her with all I had. But can a relationship fail because you give too much? You bet, and it did! Where was this love and dedication for Christ??????? Where was the balance?????? And how could she reciprocate my love without taking away time and love from God as well????? Of course this was all going to end in flames.... Our love for Christ, though still there, was inevitably lacking... 

I was putting off loving God, justifying it with this notion that “I will do it in the future, when I am married, successful, and done focusing on school.”. I say it agin, in my heart of hearts I knew God was who I wanted to give my all to. But under my own power I did very little to ever enact it in that moment, I was too prideful to ever change or realize I needed more than a trophy wife and this “plan” to love God in the future. I was running, and hiding behind this content feeling that I got pouring my heart and love into my high school sweet-heart.  

September 8th:Snap, just like that she was gone.... Lone-ly-ness could be the only result. But of course, although I felt lonely, it is once again important to realize that I was never alone. There is a difference. God was with me, right  there with a plan..............

As if this entry couldn’t get any longer.... I am going to digress...

I started out copy and pasting a definition. I did so for one other reason... A dictionary can eloquently and thoroughly describe just about every word in the English language. But there are exceptions: For instance love. Can you define the L-word? I would argue no. Certainly you can try, but I don’t think any two people understand love the same. I don’t think any two people would agree ENTIRELY on what love is. A definition implies precision, but love can’t be precisely described using any amount of words. That’s why people who have “experienced” love will sometimes say to their friends, “You will just know, I can’t really describe it to you, but trust me you will just know!” If you disagree with me, consider this. In the definition I acquired for lonely it took 39 words to define (remember this implies precision and no open ends) what it means to feel lonely. Then, there is this unique collection of words in what’s called THE HOLY BIBLE, and it is 774,728 words long. 

This book, if you will, reveals to people the meaning of life through a beautiful bundle of stories, poems, quotes, parables, and biographies. Jesus summarized this “meaning of life” into one commandment: “Love the lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind...” and “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Then is it a stretch to say that this book (all 774,728 words) is man kind’s guide to discovering love?  God’s dictionary with hundreds of pages describing love... Is it a stretch to think that this collection of words is God’s outline for how to live our lives; how to obey him, how to understand him, and ultimately how to feel and experience his LOVE for us? 

Okay, perhaps I AM making a bit of stretch here. But the point is this: If you want a complete, precise, and elaborate understanding of love (God’s love); then you must turn to the 774,728 words of the bible. 

 I can know what the word lonely means by reading a few lines. And I can FULLY live and experience loneliness in a matter of 3 days. However, to ever know and understand God’s love I have to dig so much deeper. God comprised a huge book entirely filled with beautiful words that paint a picture of what his love for us looks like. Forget 3-4 days, it will take my ENTIRE life to even catch a glimpse of God’s love for me. God’s love is THAT great, it’s THAT big, and it’s THAT indescribable. Wrap your head around that... 774,728 words to read in order to get a small glimpse of what love really is.......... Well then, I better start NOW! 

And if God’s love for me is THAT extensive, then surely there is a reason for all that pain and loneliness... 

Of course there is Anthony! After all, you literally asked for it, you asked God for all of this some months ago... “Break me God, so that I can learn to truly find you and to truly love you. I long for that relationship with you, no matter how low I have to go before I get there, take away my pride!”

God does all things out of love for us, he is for us not against us. He acts out of love, and we can’t even begin to understand that kind of compassion.................................................. But we must try, if we are to ever fulfill his greatest commandment. To reflect God’s love we must begin to live, learn, and understand his his word. 

And that couldn't wait, God was done following my agenda! And he answered my prayer...