A Retrograded Life

It is only fitting for me to express some of my travel related feelings. At times I am left speechless, warrantless in my efforts to attempt doing any good. There is an obvious and sad relation between the amount of worldly suffering and my selfishness. I will start this entry out with a short poem:

I Keep Denying a Selfless Love for Christ!

How could 

I Lean on God’s understanding?

I have my future planned because 

My own success and popularity

Is far more consequential than 

Reflecting the charity of Jesus Christ

My calm, objective opinion states this:

The world knows love and compassion?

This is can be no longer true

This is a broken and helpless place, with a binding pain

Onlookers see that

I am lonely, spiritually lost, and empty

I do not believe

I will step outside of the selfish norm

In these moments

I conform to fit into society’s box

From others’ perspectives it cannot be stated that

I live for a purpose other than myself 

It has become obvious to everyone around me that 

I am selfish, self righteous, and worth something to the world. 

It would be outlandish to consider that

I can live a life with Godly purpose...

Where did they go wrong, and where did I go right? Why are they so unlucky, and me so lucky? How can living conditions there be so bad, and so good at home? These are the questions that haunt anyone who has ever seen suffering...

By virtue of our families we have ended up in a certain living situation. We had no choice in the matter. In the womb, we were still sinless in the eyes of God: One cannot deduce that we did anything to deserve our placement on this earth (be it good or bad). Because of the fact that at birth we have had no such opportunities to “deserve” one thing over the other, we do nothing to “deserve” worldly placement. Sometimes people say that the actions of our ancestors (be them either sinful or good in nature) laid the foundation for our life experiences. This is to say that we control the destiny of our grandchildren long before they are born. It is a “karma” type of attitude. If I live as a good samaritan, then my kids and grandkids will be rewarded by God. On the flip side if I am a terrible person then my family to come will have bad misfortune. Arguments such of these are asinine. 

It is not to take credit away from our respective parents and grandparents. When there is a parent that worked three jobs (so that his kid could one day go to college) this certainly is an example of past actions laying down a promising future for younger family members. And if my great grandparents left their home country so that their kids (and their grandkids etc) could have certain opportunities in the US, then this is another example. This has nothing in common with karma or “having bad misfortune due to you”. And though we MUST be thankful for what had been given to us by other humans (our family especially), another question exists. See parents and grandparents can take action to ensure certain blessings and good fortune for their kids, but this factor only indirectly involves us. 

I mentioned that at birth we are essentially sinless in nature. At birth we (as our own individual being) have done nothing to deserve (for ourselves) certain bad misfortune. Nor have we worked towards deserving any certain good misfortunes. We did nothing to deserve being placed into a “good” or “bad” situation. We did nothing to inherit the blessings laid down by our ancestors. What did I do to deserve being born into a loving family? The answer is nothing. There can be actions which are done in order to give thanks for these gifts (like loving and helping out my family), but there can never be any original reason for being born into it in the first place. I believe fully in free will, I believe we have the freedom (at least apart from any Godly control) to make or break our own lives at any small or extreme level. But the only place that free will does not come into play is birth. None of us, at any point, had the choice as to whether or not we even wanted to enter this world. Certainly we did not have the choice to pick what family we would be born into, what country, what state, or in what city. Take it a step further-- we had no choice as to whether or not we would be healthy, no choice as to what we would look like, no choice in what hour strengths would be, and no choice as to what our weaknesses would be.

The new born baby at this Tanzanian hospital did not chose to have congenital limb diseases. Amed, an orphan at Psamaria, did not chose to be born into a home where his mom would pour boiling water on him (in two instances). This happened at the age of four, but at birth he certainly did not ask for such parents. I could go on and on... Anyone who has traveled outside of the western countries has surely seen similar things (my experiences are not special). In fact, you CAN find a similar story a block away from your own house (regardless of where you live). The point is simple, we do not have the freedom to chose the situations we are born into. I battle with this idea all of the time. I constantly wonder, “God, why did you bless me with so much?” 

The worst instance is when a person does not even realize how blessed they are. When they do not ask these kind of questions. It is a topic for discussion at another time, I am only going to focus on the realization itself. It is a perplexing thought, one which usually leads a person down a dark road. In my experiences, seeing other people who have witnessed suffering in the world, it leads to a feeling of guilt. It would be easy for me to feel guilty going back home and sleeping in a warm house. It would be easy for me to feel guilty every time I spend excess money on junk food (especially considering I probably wasn’t even hungry). And it would be easy for me to beat myself up for having a good living situation when others do not. Sounds far fetched, but I have seen in countless times. It drives a person towards near craziness accounting for all of there blessings, especially when they compare what they have to what others do not. And we will never escape that question: Why were we so blessed?

I cannot answer that question. It goes in a category of questions that only God will be able to shed light onto. I cannot answer that question! However, I can shift the perspective on the matter. I have made a realization that some do not. Living amongst suffering has actually made me begin to feel sorry for those who live WITHOUT suffering. It is an Ephesians mind set, where blessed are the poor in spirit. 

I would rather live in a shack outside of Moshi than to live at 4848 S. Xenophon St! I would rather lose everything on this earth than to lose my soul. And that brings me to the most important part... These people who suffer, these people who are dying from AIDS, these people who cannot feed themselves (let alone a baby), these people that don’t even have drinking water-- all of these people have been blessed with a unique opportunity to turn to God. Finding God, when your life is in shambles, is almost as easy as following the exit signs in a theater. You almost have to hope in eternal life if you cannot have hope on this earth. 

I do not wish to lesson the severity of what some unfortunate people experience, believe me my heart breaks for such experiences. But I also cannot deny a huge difference in the character of these people versus what I see at home. Yes these people suffer in many respects-- yet they are all so happy, so loving, so kind, so thankful, and even extremely generous. There is almost a direct correlation between the amount of experienced pain and how big a person’s heart is. And these people, on the inside, have something which is unbelievably special. Something that more blessed people at home lack. It is as if they accept their pain, and therefore look to God for an extreme and unimaginable level of hope. 

But when you can find hope in material things, in a 401K, or in a trust fund-- you have no reason to ever turn to God. Poor living conditions do not exactly make finding God obvious, but it makes it easier. And living in Denver does not exactly mean you can’t reach a point where you only find hope in eternal life. But this train of thought only addresses the mindset where you feel bad for people living in poorer places. My heart goes out to all of these people who suffer, it really does. But with a long term view I do not feel bad for those who suffer IF it ends up bringing them to find God. A short life (relative to eternity) of suffering is ideal if it leads to Heaven. I don’t think we should feel ENTIRELY bad for these people. I think we should pray that they may find hope in their sufferings. I think we should pray that good could come out of the bad. And I think we should do missions work to insure that it is the God of the Bible that they turn to for hope (over any other deity).And I think we should sort of start to feel sorry for ourselves...

Only sorry in this case does not have anything to do with living conditions. Sorry involves the way in which we go about putting off God. Sorry involves distractions, and the things that we focus on rather than the big picture. It is easy to see why Jesus said it is easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Here is a reality check, everyone in the U.S is rich! EVERYONE! Even a homeless man makes enough money begging on a corner to be considered rich. I feel bad for all of us because our journey towards God is so much more difficult. 

It is difficult to have God cross your mind when you go to bed with no worries. It is difficult to truly Love God when you REALLY love your comforts, popularity, and success. I feel bad for all of us (this includes me) because our journey of faith is so much harder. And here comes the next reality check. The odds are high that many will still call themselves Christians and still firmly believe they have a sure place in heaven. But how easy is it to Love a God that takes care of you? How easy is it to love God when he blesses you with all of these worldly comforts? How easy is it to love God when he gives you EVERYTHING? The answer: It is TOO easy!And that is the point. Its no wonder so many Americans call themselves Christians. We have it “made”-- blessings on earth and a “for sure” seat in heaven. We can sit on our couch watching TV every night, then go be in Heaven when it is all done. We can have a worry free prayer life that consists of mostly giving thanks to God. And we can enjoy worldly comforts looking ahead to promises of heavenly comforts. Or can we? It is easy to Love God when your life is easy... 

It is even harder to love God when you have to rationalize how a loving God could ever allow deformities, illness, pain, and suffering. But if, given these sad circumstances, you can still find a love for God; then surely this is approaching genuine love for God. 

I do not mean to make light of anyone’s circumstances at home, but our lives are not bad. If you think your life is bad, I can assure you there is someone who’s “story” is much worse. And that person can find someone who’s story is even worse. Etc, etc, etc. 

This brings us to the next point, where we speak of genuine love for God. I assert again that I feel bad for “us”, bad for Americans (or anyone living in a blessed country). I feel bad because it feels as if Americans either never find God or they never start to genuinely love Him. I feel even worse for Christians who think that they love God, when really they don’t. And I am no judge, it is not to say that I can dictate whether this statement is actually true in any particular case. Still there are certain evidences in our lives which point me to absolutely believing this is true. Perhaps even in my own life. I live, and have lived, in constant fear of reaching judgement day. I fear that I will make my case, saying I did all of these great things in Jesus’s name, and then God will say: “I never knew you!”

That is my fear-- for me, for you, for us. 

Still my complaints go on. If you think I am done, having reached a point where I criticize our lives in only one facet, you are wrong. Sometimes people do realize how tremendously hard it is to follow God while living with all of our blessings. Sometimes people realize that they need to “sell everything” and take up their cross. And this mind set is one hundred percent Biblical. I admire anyone who’s faith brings them to such a point. This can be seen in many forms. Like living your life volunteering across the world, or by literally selling all of your stuff and giving away all of your riches in the name of Christ. But being the constant thinker that I am, I come back to that one question: Why were we born with such blessings?

Again I can not answer it. But I do believe that there is a responsibility with having certain blessings. I believe that we should take our blessings and use them in a way that makes the most of them. I believe we should accept God’s gifts, but not settle with having them simply for or own pleasures. I believe, as an overly blessed child, that it is my responsibility to take these blessings and to give them back one hundred fold. 

I am not going to sell all of my things. I am not going to feel guilty sleeping on a tempor-pedic mattress. But I am also not going to settle. I am going to take everything that I have been given and I am going to do something HUGE for God. Perhaps I was born into a great family, with great opportunities, so that I could become a Doctor who opens up free clinics across the world. Perhaps I can use wealth and education to my advantage in order to do HUGE things for God, rather than myself. If blessings are a responsibility, and if God has invested into me, than I am going to make sure He gets a HUGE return on his investment. I am going to take what I have been given, and give back far more. I don’t know why I was given so much, but I know the the good that I can make come out of my situation. The key is to not settle. The key is to live up to the challenge. The key is to make it so that a “rich man” enters into Heaven. The key is to not let God down. The key is to MAKE THE MOST OUT OF WHAT  YOU HAVE. The key is to recognize your blessings, and to give back EVERYTHING. If God invested a little into me, then I am going to return those gifts and then some. 

I refuse to feel guilty for my blessings. Instead I feel burdened. As if God blessed me so that I could make selfless gifts exponentially grow. As if “richness” is actually God inviting me to do amazing things in order to further His kingdom. Can this be done in my lifetime without me loving the blessings themselves? Can I genuinely love the Blesser over the blessings? For some the answer here is no, and they will sell everything and join the peace core (and this is a beautiful undertaking). As for me, I believe that a camel can walk through the eye of a needle. I believe that I can take my blessings and multiply them-- giving back to countless others what God first gave to me. This is easy in theory, it is easy to write about, but the life journey will be no easy task. 

In that sense, I am beyond thankful for this trip already. I cannot claim that it has opened my eyes to suffering, I was already aware of such cases. It has, however; confirmed this whisper I have been hearing. This voice in the back of my head saying, “Go, go and selflessly live to do great things for God’s people; go selflessly love like My Son!” I am going to lean on God’s understanding, because I have too many questions to ever lean on my own. Though I don’t know why I was so blessed, I am going to further His Kingdom with everything that I have been given. This world is a broken place only if you miss out on Christ-like love, compassion, and charity. Sure, nothing human can be done to fix such a broken world, but something human can be done to change it. However small...  

In closing, this entry was titled “A Retrograded Life” in order to highlight our (often) backwards view on suffering, pain, comfort, charity, and Christianity. I wrote a poem expressing my once dull emotions towards a broken world. I go back to having those sort of feelings from time to time. Drawing close to God in Africa has also brought me to a changing of the heart. I have shared these feelings already... This poem, however; embodies this transformation. It embodies this idea: That a true Christian life is one that society views as being seemingly backwards (or retrograded). This poem represents the changing of my hardened heart. This is the exact same poem. Only now I ask you to read it backwards. I ask you to read it starting with the bottom line, followed by the second to last, the third to last, etc... 

I Keep Denying a Selfless Love for Christ?

How could 

I Lean on God’s understanding!

I have my future planned because 

My own success and popularity

Is far more consequential than 

Reflecting the charity of Jesus Christ

My calm, objective opinion states this:

The world knows love and compassion!

This can be no longer true

This is a broken and helpless place, with a binding pain

Onlookers see that

I am lonely, spiritually lost, and empty

I do not believe

I will step outside of the selfish norm

In these moments

I conform to fit into society’s box

From others’ perspectives it cannot be stated that

I live for a purpose other than myself 

It has become obvious to everyone around me that 

I am selfish, self righteous, and worth something to the world 

It would be outlandish to consider that

I can live a life with Godly purpose 

Africa 4

A couple of days ago I met a kind man as we both were walking. I pretty much have conversation with ten to twenty different people a day. Usually it only involves very basic “small talk” in Swahili. This man, much to my surprise, spoke very good English. I informed him of my project here, and he said I am welcome to His "hosue" (if that is what you want to call them) at anytime. After saying this, he introduced me to his wife, and pointed in the general area of the house. I thought nothing of it. I did, however; notice that he was Muslim. His wife said nothing to me, and was dressed so that only her eyes could be seen, and he was wearing that “hat thing” (sorry if that offends anyone, I have no idea what those are called). That was all that our conversation amounted to.

Today, he drove past me on his Motorcycle. He slammed on the brakes, and yelled over to me, “Mambo!” When I approached him, he asked when I would be coming over to his house. We made a time for next Thursday, and I got his phone number this time. 

I had already had a few casual drinks with my Muslim friend Moe in Germany, and now I am having dinner with this man in a week. This is exciting to me, two people of different religions being able to kindly interact. My faith is completely out in the open too. I by no means (here especially) wear huge “Jesus pieces” while going around telling the world that I love Jesus. But I also am not ashamed to bring it up relatively quick in conversation, and I have thus far. I am not one to stereotype Muslims as being radical, heartless, and evil people. I am smart enough to realize that this is just a stupid stereotype describing a radical few. None-the-less, I am still happy at the fact that we can coexist. I hope to have some meaningful conversation with him over dinner, I am curious to see where our speech leads...

These are exactly the kind of experiences I was looking for, this is why I am here.  My hospital work starts Monday and I cannot wait... 

Africa 3

Tonight I left the safe house at around 5:30 to go for a nice walk in the outskirts of Moshi. I crossed one of the main roads (a small but very dangerous two lane “highway”) and continued walking to the Moshi Gardens. On my way, I noticed the loud sound of some music. Three-hundred feet later I realized where the music was coming from, a very small building to my left. Yet another three-hundred feet and I noticed a small cross at the top of this building. Being the weirdly curious Christian that I am, I decided to poke my head in. Even getting near to the building I was laughed at by a lot of the people surrounding it. Four kids that were playing by the church wouldn’t even return my high-fives or greetings (very-untypical of the Tanzanian people). I understood right away that this church wasn’t exactly the most popular place to be. This was slightly confusing to me considering that so many of the people here are Christian (45% by the almanac and internet accounts that I have seen). 

When I finally walked in I sat down immediately, almost right next to the door. All twenty (give or take a few) of the people noticed my presence immediately, and I was stared at for the next half hour. This bothered me not. I took my hat off (I was wearing the same raggedy clothes that I had been since I arrived, and everyone was dressed quite nicely by African standards). I put my hands together in a praying form, and placed them on the bench so that perhaps my body language would imply that I was a believer. The people were singing and dancing their hearts out. One girl in particular, the singer, nearly cried singing every song. Her voice was BEAUTIFUL, and the passion that she sang with only added to the quality of her praise. At one point the power went out in the building, yet she continued to sing-- her voice carried with immense strength and beauty even without the PA. I was taken back by it all. I had no idea what they were saying or singing, for all I know they could have been worshipping demons. But the feeling in that room did not give me that impression. It is written in Matthew, “Where two or three people gather in my name, I [God] too will be there,” and I could undoubtably feel God’s unique presence in that church. 

When the singing and dancing started, one man started walking around to each of the people. After passing about three or four people, I noticed the fifth one handing him a few coins. Coins, when you are using Tanzanian currency, range from a dollar value of $0.02 to a few rare ones worth about $0.20 (even in Tanzania they are hardly of value). So after two or three of them gave their spare change, I assume the donations added up to no more than 1000 shillings (two-thirds of a dollar). Before offering ended, I very slowly approached the stage. I put my head down, and gave my offering. Me telling you that does not have the purpose of raising up my name-- I am not trying to make a point as to how “generous” I was because I came into a church as a stranger and still gave money. Granted I gave from a sincere place of my heart, my donation had other intentions. My thoughts at the time were simple: 1) God is present here, and this is beautiful-- I will support this cause. 2) If I gave to the church then perhaps the people would welcome me in and understand that my purpose was to join their worshiping of God. I turned around after I put my money in the hands of the pastor, and slowly walked back to my lonely corner in the back of the church. As I started walking back, my strides were met with the loud clapping and screaming of everyone in the building, I couldn’t help but to smile. 

Following the offering they did one more song, during which time the pastor came and sat with me. He was fluent in English, the most educated man I have met on this trip to date. He asked where I was from, and explained a little bit about the church and the service. He then asked me to come up and say a few words. When this happened, he translated my words. I nervously said:

“Hello, my name is Anthony (only in Tanzania I pronounce it An-tone-eee because it is easier form them to say). I am from America (amer-eee-ka). I live in a place called Colorado, where we have many mountains like Kilimanjaro. I was walking to go to Moshi-Town when I heard your beautiful music. Praising God is a universal language that everyone can understand regardless of where they are from, and your worship is beautiful. I love Tanzania, and your people are most welcoming. Thank you for your kindness, thank you for accepting me into your country, and thank you for having me today. God is great, and he loves us all. Thank you.”

I was only asked to introduce myself, otherwise I would have said more. Still the applause and smiles on their faces informed me that my words were taken to kindly. Afterwords I was asked by the pastor to come back Saturday, when they do their “real” and “big” service. Apparently this was just a midweek “fun” gathering? I will be going back every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. I was certainly blessed to have this experience, I am excited to see where these relationships will go. If a voice in the back of your head tells whispers, “Go,” then I advice you to follow it. You never know where God will lead you. I went out that night just to take in God’s artwork-- the beauty of the area and of the mountains. And I came back with that and more...

Africa 2

On a side note (this is in no way related to my trip to Africa), in my travels I am noticing countless couples together-- then there is me. I am all alone, constantly seeking out people’s attention and love. I want, and have wanted, another relationship for countless months. This is my unprotected and ignorant heart crying out. This goes hand in hand with my issue of seeing attention in everything (and everyone) besides God. It is because I have this strong desire for a relationship that I refuse to let myself enter into one.

Let me address a fundamental truth about life as a Christian. You will only experience pleasures which stem from one of two things: Need or appreciation. Need based pleasures stem from a desire you first created. For example, when you are thirsty you need water. A tall and cold glass gives you pleasure because you first desired a drink. You had a thirst, and your quenching pleasure originates from a thirsty desire you first had. Symbolically, need based pleasure goes like this, “When you create a need, fulfilling it gives you pleasure.”

Appreciation pleasures, on the other hand, surprise us-- our pleasure comes without any previous expectations. This is like if you go for a morning run, only to get half way and notice a beautiful sunrise. You find pleasure in its beauty, and beforehand you no personal need for such a thing. Beforehand, you did not expect nor desire the beauty of a sunset. You were surprised. 

The problem arises when we become addicted to need pleasures-- when we live to seek out our own personally created desires. Drugs, alcohol, relationships, sex, etc.. The only thing we should find ourselves needing is the pleasure we find in God. With this at the bottom, every other pleasure can STILL be enjoyed. In fact, other pleasures can be enjoyed at a far greater level. This is because they no longer stem from our desires, but rather as gifts and surprises from God. When we only need God, other fulfilling pleasures come as un-expecting gifts which are there for our appreciation instead of our source of fulfillment. 

One final thing to understand. God wants us to find pleasure in life by countless means, he gives us pleasures. Only we were designed to seek out and need one thing: God! The only need based pleasure that can be fulfilled is a longing for a relationship with God. If we live our lives finding need based pleasures outside of God, then we can never be satisfied. When we create our own needs, we can never satisfy our desires-- our desires are evil and unsustainable. 

I want God to surprise me with the pleasures of a relationship only when I stop desiring one in the first place. I tell people that I don’t want a relationship, and this is a complete lie. This is me expressing what I want myself to feel. This is me expressing what I know I should feel. But this is not me expressing how I actually feel. I want a relationship. I need a relationship. But I only want God to reward me with one once I start solely needing Him. I am far from reaching such a point, in that sense I am “content” being single for now. I am on a quest for something far greater. I am seeking after God with everything that I have. I may stumble, but I am trying...

Africa 1

There is a very humbling and belittling feeling when the cabin door shuts. You feel even smaller when the plane takes off knowing: There is no going back. If I could have the plane turn around right now, I would. If I could go back home and spend the rest of the summer with my friends, I would. If I could cancel this whole trip, I would. I am coming off of one of the longest weeks of my life (RFKC), with little rest and a long and hard journey ahead of me. I am alone, flying for 37 hours (between 4 flights, 65 hours of total travel) to a place I have never been-- with strangers and “family” that I have never met. The strong and manly Anthony Sylvester is scared-- nervous, and wanting to come home. This I humbly admit... 

When the plane first lifts off, you can’t help but think about all of the countless days you will be away from your home and certain comforts. You can’t help but think that it will be two months until you come back home, and you can’t help but to be scared. That nervous feeling comes over you, where you don’t want to eat, you just want to throw up and crawl into a hole. It is easy to tell people that you are going to Africa for two months over summer. It is easy to feel proud knowing you are going to partake on a great adventure. And it is easy to believe in yourself, thinking it will all be easy. It is even harder to actually go about overcoming it all.

6 months ago, when I began planning this trip, I made a couple of decisions. The first decision was this: I was not going to travel with any organization or large group-- I was going to plan something by myself. Originally, I had one person who was going to tag along for the trip. This fell through very quickly. Even still, I could have easily changed the plans so that I would be with other people. But I did not: Decision number two was that I was going to travel ALONE. 

I have this almost subconscious ability to pin-point the areas of my faith which are lacking. And I admitted to myself (in December) that I had a reliance on my friends-- a reliance on attention. It feels good to know that you are needed. It feels good to have people getting in touch with you to hang out. And it feels good knowing that you are loved. These are emotions which stem from our very creation-- we were born with a desire to be loved. This desire is suppose to be filled with a need for God’s love. But society has corrupted it all with a desire to be loved by other people, a desire to seek worldly approval, and a desire to find our worth through other people. I am just as guilty.

It was God that raised me up from the lowest points of my life. Yet it was people’s attention that kept me in this state of lively high. God raised me up from the depths, but then I looked to worldly attention in order to keep me at a place of happiness and content. I think I spent the last six months of my life constantly in touch with or hanging out with friends. And I cannot deny the fact that I spent the last six months very happy.

I have INCREDIBLE friends and support. I have an indescribable family. And I am loved... It is easy to turn to these things for my fulfillment. But I won’t settle for these things. I planned a trip where I would be entirely alone for an extended period of time because I need to learn to depend only on God. I planned a volunteer opportunity 8000 miles away because I knew it would be hard. I planned all of this, knowing it would be one of the biggest struggles of my life. Most importantly, I planned this all knowing that in this situation I would be forced to depend and rely on God-- Not my friends, not my family, and not material things. And quite frankly it sucks. I am currently mad at myself for planning such a thing. I am mad at myself for making such a decision. And I am mad at myself for ever hopping on this plane.

My animosity and fears don’t stem from a safety thing. I look at it this way (slightly selfishly too), death would mean a one way ticket to see my “home-boy” Jesus-- and I am not that lucky. If God wants to take me and unite me with His son, great! But I feel as if God has years and years of work for me to fulfill in this broken world. I am not lucky enough to go to heaven early, but I am lucky enough to go proclaim the good news of Jesus in Africa. I don’t know if I will be safe, I am traveling alone and with little plans in an African country (don’t tell my parents lol)... 

But what I know is this: I need this. I need to find God as the sole being that I find my worth in. I need to learn to rely on him. I need to see what else is out there in the world. And I need to grow. In a twisted kind of way, I live for this-- falling to extreme lows only to raise myself back up again. I live for this-- pushing myself to the extremes so that I will be forced to follow God. It is in overcoming my deepest fears and animosities that I find joy. It is when I am forced to turn to God that I learn the most about who I am. And it is in periods of my life (similar to this) that I grow the most.

I am going to come back a different person, I am certain of this. I don’t know the road God will take me on. I don’t know how hard it will be. I don’t know the terrible things I will face. But what I do know is this: I have God. He will comfort me. He will teach me. He will care for me. And he will open my eyes in ways I never could have imagined. That is why I am leaving. That is why I am alone-- To focus on God.

Even writing as I am, in order to raise up God’s name, makes me feel better. That sick feeling is going away. I have comfort, I have strength, I have peace-- I HAVE GOD. I love God with everything that I have. And I am gong to experience his love and wisdom in ways I never imagined. And I cannot wait. I will look back at these two months and be glad that I got on that plane. Glad that I didn’t find a way home sooner. Glad that I put my fears behind me. And glad that I focused on God.

I want to do three things these next two months:

1. I want to be humbled. I want God to break my pride. If anyone knows me this is my greatest struggle... I am a prideful person. But what a start to this goal-- crying when I say by to my brother. Shaking when I get on the plane. These are not characteristics of the bold and strong Anthony that I sometimes believe myself to be. God is already humbling me, and I am sure God will push my comforts to FAR greater lengths as the trip progresses. I am sure I will come back with little to no self worth (accept what I find in God alone).
2. I want to learn to depend only on God. When I am lonely and sad, I don’t want to make a desperate phone call to my family or friends-- I want to pray. When I am sick and feeling like I can’t go one-- I want to pray. When I am tired and feeling alone-- I want to reach out for God’s hand. I want to learn to depend on God, and not other people
3. I want to reflect God’s love onto others. That is the most important thing. While I will grow immensely on this trip-- I don’t want it to be about me. It is about the people I will help. Sure I will grow and learn some things along the way, but this is really all about the good that can be done THROUGH me. This is about something FAR greater than myself: God, and showing his love to the WORLD.

On a closing note, I want people to know one final thing. I truly feel that it is a good thing that I am so sad to leave. I want people to know that I am grateful to have ever found joy and happiness in my friendships and life at home. This is a dedication to everyone who has ever been there for me. I tear up thinking about the people that care for me. I tear up thinking about the support I have back at home. I have an unbelievable group of friends and family. We hear that a lot, but I mean it from the deepest and most touched part of my heart-- My friends and family are amazing! I love everyone to death, and I would die for anyone in my life. Thanks to everyone who has ever been there for me, thanks to everyone who has ever cared, thanks to everyone who has ever prayed for me, thanks to everyone who has ever lifted me up. I couldn’t be where I am without you all... God bless you, and take care while I am gone. Know that I am thinking about you ALL, know that I miss you, and know that I will be back to soon to share my experiences with a purpose aimed at complete fellowship-- to God be all of the Glory.

P.S. I was given a glass of wine and some bread as a part of my airline dinner. I don’t think it is coincidence that my makeshift communion settled my stomach, my mind, and my heart. In remembrance of Christ, I go on strengthened for my journey.