It is only fitting for me to express some of my travel related feelings. At times I am left speechless, warrantless in my efforts to attempt doing any good. There is an obvious and sad relation between the amount of worldly suffering and my selfishness. I will start this entry out with a short poem:
I Keep Denying a Selfless Love for Christ!
How could
I Lean on God’s understanding?
I have my future planned because
My own success and popularity
Is far more consequential than
Reflecting the charity of Jesus Christ
My calm, objective opinion states this:
The world knows love and compassion?
This is can be no longer true
This is a broken and helpless place, with a binding pain
Onlookers see that
I am lonely, spiritually lost, and empty
I do not believe
I will step outside of the selfish norm
In these moments
I conform to fit into society’s box
From others’ perspectives it cannot be stated that
I live for a purpose other than myself
It has become obvious to everyone around me that
I am selfish, self righteous, and worth something to the world.
It would be outlandish to consider that
I can live a life with Godly purpose...
Where did they go wrong, and where did I go right? Why are they so unlucky, and me so lucky? How can living conditions there be so bad, and so good at home? These are the questions that haunt anyone who has ever seen suffering...
By virtue of our families we have ended up in a certain living situation. We had no choice in the matter. In the womb, we were still sinless in the eyes of God: One cannot deduce that we did anything to deserve our placement on this earth (be it good or bad). Because of the fact that at birth we have had no such opportunities to “deserve” one thing over the other, we do nothing to “deserve” worldly placement. Sometimes people say that the actions of our ancestors (be them either sinful or good in nature) laid the foundation for our life experiences. This is to say that we control the destiny of our grandchildren long before they are born. It is a “karma” type of attitude. If I live as a good samaritan, then my kids and grandkids will be rewarded by God. On the flip side if I am a terrible person then my family to come will have bad misfortune. Arguments such of these are asinine.
It is not to take credit away from our respective parents and grandparents. When there is a parent that worked three jobs (so that his kid could one day go to college) this certainly is an example of past actions laying down a promising future for younger family members. And if my great grandparents left their home country so that their kids (and their grandkids etc) could have certain opportunities in the US, then this is another example. This has nothing in common with karma or “having bad misfortune due to you”. And though we MUST be thankful for what had been given to us by other humans (our family especially), another question exists. See parents and grandparents can take action to ensure certain blessings and good fortune for their kids, but this factor only indirectly involves us.
I mentioned that at birth we are essentially sinless in nature. At birth we (as our own individual being) have done nothing to deserve (for ourselves) certain bad misfortune. Nor have we worked towards deserving any certain good misfortunes. We did nothing to deserve being placed into a “good” or “bad” situation. We did nothing to inherit the blessings laid down by our ancestors. What did I do to deserve being born into a loving family? The answer is nothing. There can be actions which are done in order to give thanks for these gifts (like loving and helping out my family), but there can never be any original reason for being born into it in the first place. I believe fully in free will, I believe we have the freedom (at least apart from any Godly control) to make or break our own lives at any small or extreme level. But the only place that free will does not come into play is birth. None of us, at any point, had the choice as to whether or not we even wanted to enter this world. Certainly we did not have the choice to pick what family we would be born into, what country, what state, or in what city. Take it a step further-- we had no choice as to whether or not we would be healthy, no choice as to what we would look like, no choice in what hour strengths would be, and no choice as to what our weaknesses would be.
The new born baby at this Tanzanian hospital did not chose to have congenital limb diseases. Amed, an orphan at Psamaria, did not chose to be born into a home where his mom would pour boiling water on him (in two instances). This happened at the age of four, but at birth he certainly did not ask for such parents. I could go on and on... Anyone who has traveled outside of the western countries has surely seen similar things (my experiences are not special). In fact, you CAN find a similar story a block away from your own house (regardless of where you live). The point is simple, we do not have the freedom to chose the situations we are born into. I battle with this idea all of the time. I constantly wonder, “God, why did you bless me with so much?”
The worst instance is when a person does not even realize how blessed they are. When they do not ask these kind of questions. It is a topic for discussion at another time, I am only going to focus on the realization itself. It is a perplexing thought, one which usually leads a person down a dark road. In my experiences, seeing other people who have witnessed suffering in the world, it leads to a feeling of guilt. It would be easy for me to feel guilty going back home and sleeping in a warm house. It would be easy for me to feel guilty every time I spend excess money on junk food (especially considering I probably wasn’t even hungry). And it would be easy for me to beat myself up for having a good living situation when others do not. Sounds far fetched, but I have seen in countless times. It drives a person towards near craziness accounting for all of there blessings, especially when they compare what they have to what others do not. And we will never escape that question: Why were we so blessed?
I cannot answer that question. It goes in a category of questions that only God will be able to shed light onto. I cannot answer that question! However, I can shift the perspective on the matter. I have made a realization that some do not. Living amongst suffering has actually made me begin to feel sorry for those who live WITHOUT suffering. It is an Ephesians mind set, where blessed are the poor in spirit.
I would rather live in a shack outside of Moshi than to live at 4848 S. Xenophon St! I would rather lose everything on this earth than to lose my soul. And that brings me to the most important part... These people who suffer, these people who are dying from AIDS, these people who cannot feed themselves (let alone a baby), these people that don’t even have drinking water-- all of these people have been blessed with a unique opportunity to turn to God. Finding God, when your life is in shambles, is almost as easy as following the exit signs in a theater. You almost have to hope in eternal life if you cannot have hope on this earth.
I do not wish to lesson the severity of what some unfortunate people experience, believe me my heart breaks for such experiences. But I also cannot deny a huge difference in the character of these people versus what I see at home. Yes these people suffer in many respects-- yet they are all so happy, so loving, so kind, so thankful, and even extremely generous. There is almost a direct correlation between the amount of experienced pain and how big a person’s heart is. And these people, on the inside, have something which is unbelievably special. Something that more blessed people at home lack. It is as if they accept their pain, and therefore look to God for an extreme and unimaginable level of hope.
But when you can find hope in material things, in a 401K, or in a trust fund-- you have no reason to ever turn to God. Poor living conditions do not exactly make finding God obvious, but it makes it easier. And living in Denver does not exactly mean you can’t reach a point where you only find hope in eternal life. But this train of thought only addresses the mindset where you feel bad for people living in poorer places. My heart goes out to all of these people who suffer, it really does. But with a long term view I do not feel bad for those who suffer IF it ends up bringing them to find God. A short life (relative to eternity) of suffering is ideal if it leads to Heaven. I don’t think we should feel ENTIRELY bad for these people. I think we should pray that they may find hope in their sufferings. I think we should pray that good could come out of the bad. And I think we should do missions work to insure that it is the God of the Bible that they turn to for hope (over any other deity).And I think we should sort of start to feel sorry for ourselves...
Only sorry in this case does not have anything to do with living conditions. Sorry involves the way in which we go about putting off God. Sorry involves distractions, and the things that we focus on rather than the big picture. It is easy to see why Jesus said it is easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Here is a reality check, everyone in the U.S is rich! EVERYONE! Even a homeless man makes enough money begging on a corner to be considered rich. I feel bad for all of us because our journey towards God is so much more difficult.
It is difficult to have God cross your mind when you go to bed with no worries. It is difficult to truly Love God when you REALLY love your comforts, popularity, and success. I feel bad for all of us (this includes me) because our journey of faith is so much harder. And here comes the next reality check. The odds are high that many will still call themselves Christians and still firmly believe they have a sure place in heaven. But how easy is it to Love a God that takes care of you? How easy is it to love God when he blesses you with all of these worldly comforts? How easy is it to love God when he gives you EVERYTHING? The answer: It is TOO easy!And that is the point. Its no wonder so many Americans call themselves Christians. We have it “made”-- blessings on earth and a “for sure” seat in heaven. We can sit on our couch watching TV every night, then go be in Heaven when it is all done. We can have a worry free prayer life that consists of mostly giving thanks to God. And we can enjoy worldly comforts looking ahead to promises of heavenly comforts. Or can we? It is easy to Love God when your life is easy...
It is even harder to love God when you have to rationalize how a loving God could ever allow deformities, illness, pain, and suffering. But if, given these sad circumstances, you can still find a love for God; then surely this is approaching genuine love for God.
I do not mean to make light of anyone’s circumstances at home, but our lives are not bad. If you think your life is bad, I can assure you there is someone who’s “story” is much worse. And that person can find someone who’s story is even worse. Etc, etc, etc.
This brings us to the next point, where we speak of genuine love for God. I assert again that I feel bad for “us”, bad for Americans (or anyone living in a blessed country). I feel bad because it feels as if Americans either never find God or they never start to genuinely love Him. I feel even worse for Christians who think that they love God, when really they don’t. And I am no judge, it is not to say that I can dictate whether this statement is actually true in any particular case. Still there are certain evidences in our lives which point me to absolutely believing this is true. Perhaps even in my own life. I live, and have lived, in constant fear of reaching judgement day. I fear that I will make my case, saying I did all of these great things in Jesus’s name, and then God will say: “I never knew you!”
That is my fear-- for me, for you, for us.
Still my complaints go on. If you think I am done, having reached a point where I criticize our lives in only one facet, you are wrong. Sometimes people do realize how tremendously hard it is to follow God while living with all of our blessings. Sometimes people realize that they need to “sell everything” and take up their cross. And this mind set is one hundred percent Biblical. I admire anyone who’s faith brings them to such a point. This can be seen in many forms. Like living your life volunteering across the world, or by literally selling all of your stuff and giving away all of your riches in the name of Christ. But being the constant thinker that I am, I come back to that one question: Why were we born with such blessings?
Again I can not answer it. But I do believe that there is a responsibility with having certain blessings. I believe that we should take our blessings and use them in a way that makes the most of them. I believe we should accept God’s gifts, but not settle with having them simply for or own pleasures. I believe, as an overly blessed child, that it is my responsibility to take these blessings and to give them back one hundred fold.
I am not going to sell all of my things. I am not going to feel guilty sleeping on a tempor-pedic mattress. But I am also not going to settle. I am going to take everything that I have been given and I am going to do something HUGE for God. Perhaps I was born into a great family, with great opportunities, so that I could become a Doctor who opens up free clinics across the world. Perhaps I can use wealth and education to my advantage in order to do HUGE things for God, rather than myself. If blessings are a responsibility, and if God has invested into me, than I am going to make sure He gets a HUGE return on his investment. I am going to take what I have been given, and give back far more. I don’t know why I was given so much, but I know the the good that I can make come out of my situation. The key is to not settle. The key is to live up to the challenge. The key is to make it so that a “rich man” enters into Heaven. The key is to not let God down. The key is to MAKE THE MOST OUT OF WHAT YOU HAVE. The key is to recognize your blessings, and to give back EVERYTHING. If God invested a little into me, then I am going to return those gifts and then some.
I refuse to feel guilty for my blessings. Instead I feel burdened. As if God blessed me so that I could make selfless gifts exponentially grow. As if “richness” is actually God inviting me to do amazing things in order to further His kingdom. Can this be done in my lifetime without me loving the blessings themselves? Can I genuinely love the Blesser over the blessings? For some the answer here is no, and they will sell everything and join the peace core (and this is a beautiful undertaking). As for me, I believe that a camel can walk through the eye of a needle. I believe that I can take my blessings and multiply them-- giving back to countless others what God first gave to me. This is easy in theory, it is easy to write about, but the life journey will be no easy task.
In that sense, I am beyond thankful for this trip already. I cannot claim that it has opened my eyes to suffering, I was already aware of such cases. It has, however; confirmed this whisper I have been hearing. This voice in the back of my head saying, “Go, go and selflessly live to do great things for God’s people; go selflessly love like My Son!” I am going to lean on God’s understanding, because I have too many questions to ever lean on my own. Though I don’t know why I was so blessed, I am going to further His Kingdom with everything that I have been given. This world is a broken place only if you miss out on Christ-like love, compassion, and charity. Sure, nothing human can be done to fix such a broken world, but something human can be done to change it. However small...
In closing, this entry was titled “A Retrograded Life” in order to highlight our (often) backwards view on suffering, pain, comfort, charity, and Christianity. I wrote a poem expressing my once dull emotions towards a broken world. I go back to having those sort of feelings from time to time. Drawing close to God in Africa has also brought me to a changing of the heart. I have shared these feelings already... This poem, however; embodies this transformation. It embodies this idea: That a true Christian life is one that society views as being seemingly backwards (or retrograded). This poem represents the changing of my hardened heart. This is the exact same poem. Only now I ask you to read it backwards. I ask you to read it starting with the bottom line, followed by the second to last, the third to last, etc...
I Keep Denying a Selfless Love for Christ?
How could
I Lean on God’s understanding!
I have my future planned because
My own success and popularity
Is far more consequential than
Reflecting the charity of Jesus Christ
My calm, objective opinion states this:
The world knows love and compassion!
This can be no longer true
This is a broken and helpless place, with a binding pain
Onlookers see that
I am lonely, spiritually lost, and empty
I do not believe
I will step outside of the selfish norm
In these moments
I conform to fit into society’s box
From others’ perspectives it cannot be stated that
I live for a purpose other than myself
It has become obvious to everyone around me that
I am selfish, self righteous, and worth something to the world
It would be outlandish to consider that
I can live a life with Godly purpose
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