Africa 1

There is a very humbling and belittling feeling when the cabin door shuts. You feel even smaller when the plane takes off knowing: There is no going back. If I could have the plane turn around right now, I would. If I could go back home and spend the rest of the summer with my friends, I would. If I could cancel this whole trip, I would. I am coming off of one of the longest weeks of my life (RFKC), with little rest and a long and hard journey ahead of me. I am alone, flying for 37 hours (between 4 flights, 65 hours of total travel) to a place I have never been-- with strangers and “family” that I have never met. The strong and manly Anthony Sylvester is scared-- nervous, and wanting to come home. This I humbly admit... 

When the plane first lifts off, you can’t help but think about all of the countless days you will be away from your home and certain comforts. You can’t help but think that it will be two months until you come back home, and you can’t help but to be scared. That nervous feeling comes over you, where you don’t want to eat, you just want to throw up and crawl into a hole. It is easy to tell people that you are going to Africa for two months over summer. It is easy to feel proud knowing you are going to partake on a great adventure. And it is easy to believe in yourself, thinking it will all be easy. It is even harder to actually go about overcoming it all.

6 months ago, when I began planning this trip, I made a couple of decisions. The first decision was this: I was not going to travel with any organization or large group-- I was going to plan something by myself. Originally, I had one person who was going to tag along for the trip. This fell through very quickly. Even still, I could have easily changed the plans so that I would be with other people. But I did not: Decision number two was that I was going to travel ALONE. 

I have this almost subconscious ability to pin-point the areas of my faith which are lacking. And I admitted to myself (in December) that I had a reliance on my friends-- a reliance on attention. It feels good to know that you are needed. It feels good to have people getting in touch with you to hang out. And it feels good knowing that you are loved. These are emotions which stem from our very creation-- we were born with a desire to be loved. This desire is suppose to be filled with a need for God’s love. But society has corrupted it all with a desire to be loved by other people, a desire to seek worldly approval, and a desire to find our worth through other people. I am just as guilty.

It was God that raised me up from the lowest points of my life. Yet it was people’s attention that kept me in this state of lively high. God raised me up from the depths, but then I looked to worldly attention in order to keep me at a place of happiness and content. I think I spent the last six months of my life constantly in touch with or hanging out with friends. And I cannot deny the fact that I spent the last six months very happy.

I have INCREDIBLE friends and support. I have an indescribable family. And I am loved... It is easy to turn to these things for my fulfillment. But I won’t settle for these things. I planned a trip where I would be entirely alone for an extended period of time because I need to learn to depend only on God. I planned a volunteer opportunity 8000 miles away because I knew it would be hard. I planned all of this, knowing it would be one of the biggest struggles of my life. Most importantly, I planned this all knowing that in this situation I would be forced to depend and rely on God-- Not my friends, not my family, and not material things. And quite frankly it sucks. I am currently mad at myself for planning such a thing. I am mad at myself for making such a decision. And I am mad at myself for ever hopping on this plane.

My animosity and fears don’t stem from a safety thing. I look at it this way (slightly selfishly too), death would mean a one way ticket to see my “home-boy” Jesus-- and I am not that lucky. If God wants to take me and unite me with His son, great! But I feel as if God has years and years of work for me to fulfill in this broken world. I am not lucky enough to go to heaven early, but I am lucky enough to go proclaim the good news of Jesus in Africa. I don’t know if I will be safe, I am traveling alone and with little plans in an African country (don’t tell my parents lol)... 

But what I know is this: I need this. I need to find God as the sole being that I find my worth in. I need to learn to rely on him. I need to see what else is out there in the world. And I need to grow. In a twisted kind of way, I live for this-- falling to extreme lows only to raise myself back up again. I live for this-- pushing myself to the extremes so that I will be forced to follow God. It is in overcoming my deepest fears and animosities that I find joy. It is when I am forced to turn to God that I learn the most about who I am. And it is in periods of my life (similar to this) that I grow the most.

I am going to come back a different person, I am certain of this. I don’t know the road God will take me on. I don’t know how hard it will be. I don’t know the terrible things I will face. But what I do know is this: I have God. He will comfort me. He will teach me. He will care for me. And he will open my eyes in ways I never could have imagined. That is why I am leaving. That is why I am alone-- To focus on God.

Even writing as I am, in order to raise up God’s name, makes me feel better. That sick feeling is going away. I have comfort, I have strength, I have peace-- I HAVE GOD. I love God with everything that I have. And I am gong to experience his love and wisdom in ways I never imagined. And I cannot wait. I will look back at these two months and be glad that I got on that plane. Glad that I didn’t find a way home sooner. Glad that I put my fears behind me. And glad that I focused on God.

I want to do three things these next two months:

1. I want to be humbled. I want God to break my pride. If anyone knows me this is my greatest struggle... I am a prideful person. But what a start to this goal-- crying when I say by to my brother. Shaking when I get on the plane. These are not characteristics of the bold and strong Anthony that I sometimes believe myself to be. God is already humbling me, and I am sure God will push my comforts to FAR greater lengths as the trip progresses. I am sure I will come back with little to no self worth (accept what I find in God alone).
2. I want to learn to depend only on God. When I am lonely and sad, I don’t want to make a desperate phone call to my family or friends-- I want to pray. When I am sick and feeling like I can’t go one-- I want to pray. When I am tired and feeling alone-- I want to reach out for God’s hand. I want to learn to depend on God, and not other people
3. I want to reflect God’s love onto others. That is the most important thing. While I will grow immensely on this trip-- I don’t want it to be about me. It is about the people I will help. Sure I will grow and learn some things along the way, but this is really all about the good that can be done THROUGH me. This is about something FAR greater than myself: God, and showing his love to the WORLD.

On a closing note, I want people to know one final thing. I truly feel that it is a good thing that I am so sad to leave. I want people to know that I am grateful to have ever found joy and happiness in my friendships and life at home. This is a dedication to everyone who has ever been there for me. I tear up thinking about the people that care for me. I tear up thinking about the support I have back at home. I have an unbelievable group of friends and family. We hear that a lot, but I mean it from the deepest and most touched part of my heart-- My friends and family are amazing! I love everyone to death, and I would die for anyone in my life. Thanks to everyone who has ever been there for me, thanks to everyone who has ever cared, thanks to everyone who has ever prayed for me, thanks to everyone who has ever lifted me up. I couldn’t be where I am without you all... God bless you, and take care while I am gone. Know that I am thinking about you ALL, know that I miss you, and know that I will be back to soon to share my experiences with a purpose aimed at complete fellowship-- to God be all of the Glory.

P.S. I was given a glass of wine and some bread as a part of my airline dinner. I don’t think it is coincidence that my makeshift communion settled my stomach, my mind, and my heart. In remembrance of Christ, I go on strengthened for my journey.