Africa 2

On a side note (this is in no way related to my trip to Africa), in my travels I am noticing countless couples together-- then there is me. I am all alone, constantly seeking out people’s attention and love. I want, and have wanted, another relationship for countless months. This is my unprotected and ignorant heart crying out. This goes hand in hand with my issue of seeing attention in everything (and everyone) besides God. It is because I have this strong desire for a relationship that I refuse to let myself enter into one.

Let me address a fundamental truth about life as a Christian. You will only experience pleasures which stem from one of two things: Need or appreciation. Need based pleasures stem from a desire you first created. For example, when you are thirsty you need water. A tall and cold glass gives you pleasure because you first desired a drink. You had a thirst, and your quenching pleasure originates from a thirsty desire you first had. Symbolically, need based pleasure goes like this, “When you create a need, fulfilling it gives you pleasure.”

Appreciation pleasures, on the other hand, surprise us-- our pleasure comes without any previous expectations. This is like if you go for a morning run, only to get half way and notice a beautiful sunrise. You find pleasure in its beauty, and beforehand you no personal need for such a thing. Beforehand, you did not expect nor desire the beauty of a sunset. You were surprised. 

The problem arises when we become addicted to need pleasures-- when we live to seek out our own personally created desires. Drugs, alcohol, relationships, sex, etc.. The only thing we should find ourselves needing is the pleasure we find in God. With this at the bottom, every other pleasure can STILL be enjoyed. In fact, other pleasures can be enjoyed at a far greater level. This is because they no longer stem from our desires, but rather as gifts and surprises from God. When we only need God, other fulfilling pleasures come as un-expecting gifts which are there for our appreciation instead of our source of fulfillment. 

One final thing to understand. God wants us to find pleasure in life by countless means, he gives us pleasures. Only we were designed to seek out and need one thing: God! The only need based pleasure that can be fulfilled is a longing for a relationship with God. If we live our lives finding need based pleasures outside of God, then we can never be satisfied. When we create our own needs, we can never satisfy our desires-- our desires are evil and unsustainable. 

I want God to surprise me with the pleasures of a relationship only when I stop desiring one in the first place. I tell people that I don’t want a relationship, and this is a complete lie. This is me expressing what I want myself to feel. This is me expressing what I know I should feel. But this is not me expressing how I actually feel. I want a relationship. I need a relationship. But I only want God to reward me with one once I start solely needing Him. I am far from reaching such a point, in that sense I am “content” being single for now. I am on a quest for something far greater. I am seeking after God with everything that I have. I may stumble, but I am trying...