I Don't Want the World to See Me

These are the lyrics to a long time favorite song of mine:

I know that you feel me somehow. You are the closest to heaven that I will ever be, and I don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment... And sooner or later its over... And I don't want the world to see me, because I don't think that they'd understand. When everything is meant to be broken, I just want you to know who I am... And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming, all the moment and truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, you bleed just to know you are alive. 


It is slightly ironic to me that this song, being about ten years old, has been played exactly 8 times (either on the radio or in my gym) since I have been home. Is this God reminding me of the way I feel? I have been home now for over a week, and already I am falling into the dangerous and ignorant life that I once lead. Describing what is "old" and what is "new" is a difficult thing for me to do, I feel as if I only have one person at the moment that can relate to my struggles coming home... But here goes...

At first, the biggest shock came the moment I hit a U.S. airpot. That is when I first realized that it would be next to impossible for me to enter "real life" again with the same spiritual intensity that encompassed my life for the past 7 weeks. Materialism, financial issues, social life, school, and baseball... The typical things (aside from beautiful girls) that keep me from focusing on the more important things in life.

Its like my heart started crying out, "This is not who you are Anthony. Live in the way God is calling you. Don't come back to this kind of life."

When I saw the first fast food restaurant, and when I turned my U.S. phone back on for the first time-- the impact of it all took my breath away. And at first my plan was to run from "real life" entirely. I was going to change my number, my email address, quit baseball, and then I was going to move out of my house. I figured that I would run form the world, after all no one could ever understand me and the desires of my heart. This plan still sounds absolutely incredible to me, it is just extremely unrealistic.

So if I am going to let the world see me (A.K.A. come out from my corner/hole/closed doors), then how am I going to get them to understand? How am I going to describe to people the emotions I have felt? How am I going to describe the incredible spiritual high that I had, having focused entirely on God for almost two months? And how am I going to make it clear to those around me who I "actually" am? Beats me!

Already I am failing. So far Africa has made me a worse person. For one I am now a bigger liar, it is easier just to tell people that Africa was great...

Secondly, I have absolutely no patience for people. I have no patience for my family (particularly my poor brother, who has become the victim of my angers). I have no patience for laziness, no patience for "he said she said", and absolutely no patience for life-related complaints. Simply put, I have no patience for people...

Third, I am running from my feelings already. I am fighting these apparent urges of mine to hide from my issues behind food and shopping. Instead of laying in my room writing, praying, reading, and growing closer to God (in order to direct my life); I chose to sleep, go to the store, and work on miscellaneous projects that I have.

Fourth, my pride is outrageously abundant. Having gone to Africa I feel as if my mental capacity and ability to handle bad situations is second to none. I feel that since I managed to go by myself that I am even more independent and capable than I ever was. When I know that I only made it by the grace of God and by drawing EXTREMELY CLOSE to God. But now that I am home I distort my recollection of the trip, and begin thinking that I survived by my own strengths. And because I am so capable and so "strong" I don't need to pray anymore, don't need to read the Bible anymore, and don't need to seek help from my Father in Heaven. The same Anthony that was ready to cry on the first flight to Germany is the same Anthony that is now "so strong" that he no longer needs God... How arrogant of an asshole am I?

These are just some of the ways that I have become a worse person since my return. But I won't settle with this. The fact is, life at home is extremely different and troublesome. I don't want the world to see me because quite frankly: I know they won't understand. Everything feels like the movies, because by coming home to this "perfect" life I almost have to bleed to even feel alive. How could I feel alive now compared how alive I felt drawing near to God?

Africa was the closest to heaven that I will ever be, and when I draw close to God I know that somehow he will understand this emptiness I now feel. He will feel me somehow, when no one else can...

The world can see me, but only God will understand. There is just something that my friends and family is missing: My heart's desire. I can't describe the undying love I have for God's Kingdom, and somehow life corrupts these feelings and these desires. I am scared to be back home. Scared to wake up each morning, unable to push away the worldly responsibilities and desires enough to simply ask God, "Come into my life!" The world gets in our way...

It is so easy to go through life having missed the real importance of it all... I wish I had the courage to tell my friends and family how I really feel-- about this American life, about our "faith", about our religion, and about the wrong ways in which we live. But how can I talk about such things if I am now slowly coming back to them? How can I express my distress if I am now finding comfort in the same evil/worldly things as everyone else? How can I say, "We are living in an lie," if I once again begin lying to myself?

Lord help us all, Lord help me find the strength to live in the ways I know I should... My heart is breaking a little each day Lord...